4 Horror Movies You Want To See & The Four I Recommend Instead

I am a big, big fan of the horror genre.

From slasher films to psychological thrillers to haunted house flicks to the good ol' black and white classics, I love them all.
I love how interesting they can be, the insights they can offer by looking at things in a different way, how innovative and original they can be and I love how much they can frighten me.
Some people don't understand it at all but just like a kid half-screaming half-laughing from a jump scare on Halloween, I love being afraid when I know there's no real danger.

However, horror films are a broad-ranging art form that have spawned a whole spectrum of sub-genres. With all that selection, it can be difficult to know what to pick and it can be easy to end up picking something terrible.
Believe me, it's happened to me enough times that I've turned on a horror film and the scariest thing that happened was that I wasted 2 hours of my life watching it.
Some people even think that the entire horror genre is cheesy and clichéd because they've had the misfortune of watching some really awful films.
But it's not, trust me, there's some amazing masterpieces of cinema out there.

From www.horroronscreen.com

Which brings me to the point of this blog post - recommendations!

I'd like to make the point right now that this entire blog post is opinion-based (my opinion to be exact) so they may not be to your own taste.
The films I don't speak highly of in this post are not necessarily bad films - it's just that I'd suggest watching something else, based on my own preferences.
I'll explain exactly why I'm recommending each film as we go so you know precisely what you're getting yourself in for, and can make an informed decision from there.
So, with that that in mind, let's proceed!

So let's get started - what type of horror film do you want to watch?

.

Option 1: I Want A Good Haunted House Film

What You May Want To See:
The Conjuring (2013) or Insidious (2010).

What I Recommend Instead:
The Messengers (2007) or The Haunting In Connecticut (2009).

Why Would I Do That?
I want to start off by saying that there's nothing particularly wrong with The Conjuring or Insidious. There's also nothing wrong with the countless films just like them.
And therein lies the problem.
Ever since The Amityville Horror was released to huge commercial success in 1979, many film studios have tried to replicate its appeal.

Behold: The original Insidious

And by "replicate," I literally mean replicate.
Switch on The Conjuring or Insidious and you'll immediately see a family moving into a new house for a fresh start. In The Conjuring, you'll also see a dog that senses evil before any of the humans do and a teenager who hates it that they've moved away from all her friends. In both films, you'll also see an innocent, vulnerable child who immediately becomes susceptible to paranormal goings-on and you'll see a professional being brought in to deal with the spooky situation.
These are massive clichés in the subgenre of haunted house horror films and usually if you see them within the first fifteen minutes of the movie, you can generally predict how the rest of the story is going to pan out.

Some people would argue with me, saying that these features aren't actually clichés but that they are traditional aspects in the movie type's formula and that a haunted house film without these details doesn't deserve a place in the subgenre.
Well, that's totally fair enough. But you can still think outside the box while staying within the formula.

Take The Haunting In Connecticut for example. Sure, you've got a family moving into a new house but it's not for a fresh start away from some familial inconvenience. It's due to the fact that the teenage son has cancer and this new house is closer to the hospital where he goes for chemotherapy sessions.
This detail adds to the plot because as the son's condition worsens, he becomes closer to the plane of death, giving him a legitimate reason to be the only one in the house seeing weird stuff happening.

Then you've got The Messengers. Turn it on and you'll immediately see a moody teenage daughter who's unhappy to be moving house.
But it turns out that her unhappiness is actually due to the fact that her parents no longer trust her, because of an incident where she had driven drunk with her younger brother in the car.
Just like with The Haunting In Connecticut, this adds to the plot because her parents not trusting her gives them an actual reason not to take their daughter's fear of the new house seriously - thinking she's just lying to them so they can move back home.

So there we have two haunted house films that fit into the formula without being too clichéd.
But the originality of both movies doesn't end there.
The Messengers has a fairly unpredictable plotline - as soon as you think you've figured it out, you're proven wrong. Similarly, halfway through The Haunting In Connecticut, I was sure I knew how things were going to end. But no, they took a different turn.

Both films also boast good jump scares, a talented cast of actors, great special effects and the feeling that you haven't just watched the seventy-ninth remake of The Amityville Horror.

.

Option 2: I Want A Good Found Footage Film

What You May Want To See:
The Devil Inside (2012) or Apartment 143 (2012).

What I Recommend Instead:
The Blair Witch Project (1999) or REC (2007).

Why Would I Do That?

The found footage genre has been around for a long time (as will be mentioned again in this post) but it became really popular again after The Blair Witch Project was met with critical acclaim upon its release.

First thing's first - if you haven't seen The Blair Witch Project, get on it. There's a reason that movie blew up like it did. As far as suspense goes, there's nothing like this one.
A lot of people say they find the ending unsatisfying but I think that's what makes the movie seem so real - the fact that they didn't capture everything on film, (they only captured enough to prove they weren't crazy) is much more believable than a found footage film where they manage to record every little detail.

Plus, the marketing done for this film was nothing short of brilliant

I definitely find it much more believable than a movie like The Devil Inside where they manage to capture every single detail - including a 2 second shot of an irrelevant blind nun who ended up on the movie poster, despite having nothing to do with the storyline in any way whatsoever.

The only shot you will see of the person that the film posters would lead
you to believe is a main character

Stuff like that really annoys me because it's part of the reason people think horror movies are stupid. Why put a random character on the poster if they're completely and totally inconsequential to the movie? Did you see the face of Cate Blanchett's cameo character on the poster for Hot Fuzz? No, you didn't, because that would be senseless. 

Moving away from the movie poster though, I just found both The Devil Inside and Apartment 143 to be incredibly boring. A lot of found footage films make the mistake of showing you every single moment the characters "caught" on tape and that's exactly what these two films do too.
They also offer no answers to any questions you might have about the plot, and Apartment 143 is one of those irritating films with a main character that continues not believing in ghosts long after it is sensible to do so.
For example, when your movie has the character see a ghost multiple times, witness many instances of supernatural activity and actually experience the apartment being savagely assaulted by said specter, it just isn't rational for them to still glance around their surroundings and say "nah, there has to be a more logical explanation for what levitated that girl and violently shoved me face-first into a wall."
If you want ghosts to be a believable phenomenon in your film, you need the humans in it to act believably too.

But don't lose all hope for the found footage genre yet. Like I said, The Blair Witch Project is awesome, and so is a horror film called REC that was made in Spain.
REC was so successful in the Spanish-speaking world that the film was remade in the USA in 2008 as Quarantine.
But if you're going to watch one of them, I definitely recommend the original Spanish version (hope you don't mind subtitles!)

The best way to describe it is that REC is essentially everything I look for in the found footage genre.
It starts off as a convincing documentary series being made by two journalists with everything seeming very credible and real. That's what makes it so scary when the journalists find themselves trapped in a quarantined apartment building with no explanation given to them as to why they can't leave.
Eventually, they begin to put the pieces of the puzzle together by talking to the building's residents (who are just as confused and panicked by the situation as they are).
Because the cast of actors are so brilliant, the viewer is already feeling the same stress and alarm that the characters are going through.
Which means that it's absolutely terrifying when the crazy, paranormal stuff starts happening.

Both REC and The Blair Witch Project are cinematic masterpieces of suspense, tension and fear. They don't waste a second on any irrelevant extra footage, every moment is spent making sure you're eager and afraid for what's going to happen next.

.

Option 3: I Want A Good Psychological Horror Film

What You May Want To See:
Case 39 (2009) or The Quiet Ones (2014).

What I Recommend Instead:
May (2003) or Excision (2012).

Why Would I Do That?

Psychological horror films deal with topics like mental illness, isolation, fear of the unknown, phobias, paranoia and the very mental side of fear.

Unfortunately, some filmmakers interpret this as "sacrifice everything for the sake of senseless drama."
That's essentially how The Quiet Ones can be summarised in my opinion. There's so many twists that the plot stops making sense fairly early on. The main inspiration for this movie seems to come from soaps on evening TV because nearly every word and action seems be focused on making melodrama rather than making sense.
A credible sequence of events, interesting character development and a coherent plotline are all cast aside in favour of pointless emotion and meaningless drama.

There's also not much to say about Case 39 unless you've always dreamt of watching a hallucinating Bridget Jones speed down a highway whilst screaming. Because that was literally the only worthwhile moment in a movie that tried to fill itself with as many "unexpected" dramatic surprises as humanly possible.

Instead of phoning another character in this scene, perhaps
Zellweger should have called her agent to have a serious chat 

But fear not - psychological films can be done exceptionally well too!
Angela Bettis received a cult following for her amazing performance in May, the story of an emotionally disturbed woman trying to find friends and a romantic partner.
(As a side note, the only worthwhile version of Carrie is the 2002 made-for-TV version that stars Bettis in the titular role. Seriously, she's the best Carrie you'll see outside of the one your imagination conjures up from the original novel).
The movie exposes how far loneliness can push the boundaries of one's sanity and there's also some interesting subtext about how people have a habit of trying to cling to their innocence when the loss of one's childhood can actually be a liberating experience.

Plus, creepy dolls.

The film is unique because it starts more like a drama about a lonely woman and then slowly morphs into the horror genre as May's desire to connect with others becomes more and more desperate.
It's also a must-see movie for anyone who enjoys a side of black comedy with their horror films. The movie switches between disturbing scenes and dark jokes so naturally that it draws you even deeper in to the strange world May creates.

The other psychological horror film I recommend is actually one of my favourite movies of all time. Excision is a brilliant portrayal of a young girl with severe mental issues that are not taken seriously.
In my point of view, AnnaLynne McCord is a modern-day horror queen (you should check out her incredible performance in Scorned as well) and her acting in this movie is nothing short of masterful.
In a very different telling of the traditional (and somewhat overdone) "teenage outcast" narrative, we meet Pauline - a genuinely good-natured but very mentally ill young woman whose grip on reality is unsteady at best.
                                 

As Pauline's mother scoffs at her daughter's insistence that she needs psychiatric help, the dream sequences that take place throughout the movie show how deeply disturbed Pauline's worsening mental state really is.
The climax of the movie is the perfect infusion of psychological horror and more conventional gore - as we're shown just how sick Pauline really is. 

.

Option 5: I Want Something More Extreme

What You May Want To See:
The Human Centipede (2009).

What I Recommend Instead:
Cannibal Holocaust (1980).

Why Would I Do That?

Like so many horror fans of my generation, my attention was captured by the controversy and sheer disgust that The Human Centipede generated upon its release.
How could I not be curious about what was supposed to be the most offensive horror film of all time?
So I decided to give it a go.

And it was, without doubt, one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life (and that includes The Room).

To put it very simply, The Human Centipede is boring.
First off, it begins with one of the most overused clichés in horror films - the protagonists' car broke down and they need to go find a phone.
Please.
Apart from that, my main problem with this movie is that shock horror is only shocking if it's not in every single scene. For the entire movie, it's clear that the main objective of The Human Centipede is to appall and repulse you.
But to be honest, I got over how shocked and disgusted I was about a third of the way into the film. Then I was just bored.

Pictured: Boredom

Plus, nothing is explained, there's no motivation for the evil villain to be so evil, and the cinematography hurt my eyes.
If you're wondering, I did watch The Human Centipede 2 and found it to be just as uninteresting and trite. The use of gore was even more badly utilised in the second film. In fact, the use of a narrator might have been better, just to shout "isn't this gross?" at the audience every two seconds. As well as that, the cinematography was even more dull than its predecessor's (black and white was not a good choice for a movie that was already so monotonous).

As for the third one? I haven't seen it, but I'll leave its description up to a beautiful gem of a review I found on Rotten Tomatoes:
                                   

Anyway, if you really want to watch something more extreme that will affect you right down to your core, I think Cannibal Holocaust is your best bet.
It's just as gory as The Human Centipede but there's actual meaning to what's happening onscreen. Instead of being disgusting just for the sake of being disgusting, Cannibal Holocaust uses intense gore and carnage to paint a picture of how ignorant we can be in the western world about societies we don't know much about.
It's also includes scenes of found footage that director Ruggero Deodato thought would be an interesting alternative to more conventional flashback sequences.
                           

After an American film crew go missing in the Amazon rainforest whilst making a documentary, a rescue team is sent to find them (or, at least, find out what happened to them). At first, it seems that the indigenous people living in the rainforest have brutally murdered the documentary makers - but as events unfold, it becomes very clear that that is not the case.
Cannibal Holocaust does what all good art should do - it holds a mirror up to humanity and begs the question of who the real "savages" are.

Now, I must warn you: there are scenes of real animal cruelty in this movie that I always have to fast forward through when I rewatch it.
I think you can get censored versions of the movie now that don't include these scenes and if you're an animal lover like me, I'd definitely recommend trying to get your hands on one of those copies.                                                 

The one thing I hate about this film is that a coatimundi (mistaken to be a muskrat in the movie), a large turtle, a tarantula, a snake, two squirrel monkeys and a pig really were killed for the sake of entertainment. None of these animals suffered but it's still not an excuse.
However, I should mention that Deodato has condemned his past actions, saying that "I was stupid to introduce animals."

Anyway, apart from that one thing, the film is a brilliantly disturbing and incredibly poignant piece of cinema with a very sharp message to deliver to its audience.
In conclusion, this movie offers you all the same gore and shock that The Human Centipede does, without completely wasting your time.
 ~~~I hope you've found something on this list that peaks your interest and - apart from that - happy watching!

5 Reasons Why You're Not The Loser You Think You Are

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, or months, or years) where you just feel like a loser?
Like everything's fallen apart and your daily life pretty much exists in the debris while everybody else seems to be doing so much better than you?
Being stuck in a rut can be frustrating, depressing and tiring (among other more curse-wordy emotions) and it always feels like it's only happening to you.

I was inspired to write this post for three main reasons...
1. Procrastination. I always write these things for the sake of procrastination.
2. A brilliant Cracked.com article called 5 Reasons Life Actually Does Get Better by John Cheese that you can read here.
3. The fact that many of some of my favourite people in the whole world are going through rough times right now and a significant amount of them have expressed to me that they feel like they suck because of it.

Well, they don't. You don't. None of us do.
And here's five reasons why not...

5. You're Your Own Worst Critic

Have you ever seen a photograph of one of your friends go up on Facebook that you thought they looked really good in?
So you said it to them and they rolled their eyes in response and complained about having a double chin, being cross-eyed or just looking "weird" in the picture?
And then you wondered if you needed to book yourself in for a thorough eyeball-cleaning because you thought they looked great?

That's because we are all incredibly hyper-critical of ourselves.
Think about it - you spend all day long with you.
You know what your standards and abilities are so if you fuck up, you'll be the first to notice it.

Natalie Portman was once quoted as saying “I often feel insecure and don’t believe in myself. I have a thousand doubts a day. Everyone hated my performances in Star Wars and thought I was a terrible actress. Almost every movie has a scene that stands out to me as something I messed up on" (source).

That's what Natalie Portman said about herself.
Thor's brilliant scientist girlfriend who danced the black swan and starred in V for Vendetta while still having time to rule Naboo as Queen Padmé Amidala often thinks she sucks.
And that's totally normal.

It's why your artist friend always points out the mistakes in her drawing when you thought it was flawless.
It's why your writer friend always laments about how he'll never be as good as So-and-So or Such-and-Such.
It's why your musician friend always talks about not being able to write good lyrics or compose a catchy melody.
Here's the kicker...
Your talented friends aren't always being modest - sometimes they genuinely think they suck.

But you've seen their work and you know they don't.
So, logically, wouldn't that mean that you (and Natalie Portman) don't suck either?

Pictured: Definitely not a loser.

4. No One's Watching You And Waiting For You To Fail

I think sitcoms have given people the false idea that we should all be working tirelessly in our twenties and thirties to have something to show at the High School Reunion that will spontaneously spring into existence around the time of our fortieth birthdays.

But that notion is actually kind of unhealthy - because it suggests that you should be working on your life for the approval of other people.
And what's more, it suggests that certain individuals are carefully paying attention to what you're doing and how well you're doing it.

They're not.
Sure, you might stalk out someone's Facebook or Instagram once in a while to see what's up but that's not exactly going to give you a 100% accurate look into what their life is like (status updates rarely include filing the wrong tax receipt or detailing major private life fuck-ups).

The thing is, everyone is concentrating so hard on their own lives that they don't have much time to ponder yours.
This was once explained to me through the allegory of the "group photograph."

If I hand you a group photo of about one hundred people and tell you that you, three of your close friends and three of your worst enemies are in it, who are you going to search for first?
Yourself probably.
Followed by your friends.
And you may not even look for the people you don't like.

Well that's how life works too.
Unless you end up on the news for doing something really shitty and landing yourself in jail, no one's going to keep a record on every single time your life hasn't gone swimmingly.

No one is out to get you.
No one is watching your every move and waiting for you to trip up so they can celebrate with party poppers and an ice-cream cake.

And on the off-chance that they are, you won't end up being the sad one in that situation.
After all, how pathetic is someone who's so focused on somebody else's existence that they forget to think about their own?

3. The World's Bigger Than You Think

See the two circles?
They are exactly the same colour.

From thebrain.mcgill.ca

The only reason you think they're not is because their backgrounds make them look different.

And the same goes for you.

Let's say you have an incredible athletic ability - you can run for miles and you take to any sport like a fish takes to water.
But you're really bad at maths.
If you get stuck in a classroom, failing to understand algebra and geometry all day, you're eventually going to come to the conclusion that you are useless.
But you're not - you're just not in the right environment for you.

And when you're stuck in a place where your worth isn't being recognised, you can often end up feeling stupid, ineffectual, weak or like you can't do anything right.
That's not true.
That place can also start to feel like it represents the whole world - where you will always feel worthless - but that's not true either.

The thing is, if you're getting up and going somewhere day after day, that place does become your whole world.
For example, imagine a kid in high school who struggles to make friends and get along with people because he has different interests, pastimes and hobbies to anyone he has classes with.
Maybe he dresses a little strangely or listens to music the other kids think is weird.
He also gets bullied a lot which makes him come to the not-so-logical conclusion that there must be something fundamentally unlikable about him that everyone just loves to hate.
Also, the school atmosphere is where he has to go for hours every day - he spends more time there than he does anywhere else so of course his sense of self-worth is going to be very influenced by how he feels in that place.
But there it's not a reflection of everyone and everything.
It just so happens that there aren't a lot of people in his school environment who he is compatible with.
All he has to do is change his circle's background by graduating and going somewhere where he can meet like-minded people more like him, who will think he's awesome and perfect exactly as he is and wonder where the hell he's been their whole lives.
That's all.

And it's an important lesson to learn.
If you are currently in an environment (be it your home life, your school/college course, your job, the area you're living in, your own state of mind etc) where you're not being fully appreciated, that does not diminish your value in any way.

Your circle is fine the way it is - you just have to find the right background.
And the world is huge, there's a whole palette for you to browse and take your time choosing from.
Might I suggest a nice magenta?

2. Everyone Feels The Same Way You Do

Due to point number 5 on this list, it's easy to sit back, think about your life and see yourself as a failure.
As previously mentioned, we're quick to pick out our own faults and harshly critique ourselves.
Show us something good we've done and we'll instantly tell you ten ways it could have been better.

But you know what?
That's not just you.

In the past few weeks (probably because many of my friends are currently turning 21), I've had plenty of people come to me and tell me they feel like they're doing really badly at this whole "life" thing.
Well, we all are.

Everyone saw themselves being somewhere else when they were 21 years old.
When you were 16, you thought you'd be living on your own by now (and even your fully independent friend who's living on their own thought they'd no longer be living in such a dodgy area by now).
When you were 13, you assumed you'd have your dream job by now.
And when you were 4, you assumed you'd be a high-speed firetruck by now.

The point is, the fantasy is always better than the reality and that's why so many of us think we're not doing OK for ourselves.
We think we suck because we're not living up to the daydream we once had at the back of our minds.

Well kiddo, it's time to leave Narnia and let the dream go.
And instead start patting yourself on the back for the excellent job you're doing in reality.
Because you've done great so far and you should keep it up.
Which brings me to my next point...

1. You Are Always Getting Better

Hey, remember that thing you couldn't do a year ago that you can do now?
Well, good job on that!
I bet you never took the time to recognise how cool it is that you can do that now because you're always looking down on yourself.

But it is cool.
Improvement, no matter how small, is always great.

People have a tendency to focus on the things they're not good at or that they can't do (yet). They have a tendency to compare themselves to other people who are much better than them at something specific.
And, because of that, people end up concentrating on how great everyone else is at something instead of how much they've progressed with it recently.

I think nearly everyone I've ever met (myself included) has a bad habit of ignoring their achievements and focusing on their mistakes instead.

We throw ourselves into thinking about the time we dropped the ball at work, failed a college exam or hurt a friend. We obsess about the time we were unnecessarily mean or the break-up we could have handled better or the path we should have taken instead of the one we're currently walking.
I guarantee you that everyone you know has things they can't quite forgive themselves for yet.

"Dammit, why didn't I order the soup instead of the salad?"

But the mistakes, bad choices, blunders and oversights aren't what we should be focusing on.
Instead we should be thinking about how much better we've gotten since then.

Let's say you make a massive mess of things - in work, in college/school, in your personal life, whatever.
You did a terrible job and it's all your fault.
Boo-hoo. Sob.

Well, you're not going to do it again in a hurry, that's the first thing.
Secondly, you're going to be better equipped to deal with this type of situation if it ever comes up again. You've been in this scenario before, you know what to do and you know what it has the potential to turn into.
You can also help your friends or family out if they find themselves in a similar set of circumstances.
All because you made that stupid mistake in the first place.

Learning comes best when it's accomplished through the try-and-fail method.
The more you try, the more you fail.
And the better you get because of it.

~~~

So please don't let life get you feeling so low.
You're young.
You're capable.
You have time to figure this all out.
Everyone is in the same boat and if somehow we are losers, then we're all losers together.

Why I Am Marmite (And Why I'm OK With That)

No, it's not the result of some random Facebook-feed style quiz.

I didn't take a survey to find out "What Obscure Food Item Are You?"
It's just the best metaphor I've ever come across to describe what I am in relation to the other humans that inhabit this planet with me.
And I am Marmite.

Here's a selfie I took earlier

For those of you whose cupboards aren't as stock piled with as many mysterious-but-edible objects as my own, you might be wondering what exactly this thing is that I'm comparing myself to.
For that, let's get a quote from everyone's favourite encyclopedia...
"The product is a sticky, dark brown food paste with a distinctive, powerful flavour which is extremely salty. This distinctive taste is reflected in the British company's slogan: "Love it or hate it." The product's name has entered British English as a metaphor for something that is an acquired taste or tends to polarise opinions." - Wikipedia
Now, I pride myself on not usually being sticky.
My name has also not entered British-English slang as a well-known allegory (yet).
No, the reason I compare myself with this product is all in the slogan - "love it or hate it."

For as long as I can remember, my life has been made up of two very distinct types of people.
1. Terrific people who have never been anything but thoughtful, sweet and wonderful to me, and continue to surprise me with the lengths they'll happily go to in order to help me out.
2. Random people who (for little to no reason or for creatively imagined reasons) hate me as much as taxes, bad headaches or stubbing your toe.
Of course, there's a few in-betweens (as I'm sure there is with Marmite).
There's people I know from college, work, school, extended family and various other places who I'm pretty sure have no strong feelings towards me one way or another. I'm just the person they smile at, wave to and chat with once in a while and I'm not vain enough to assume that they have any serious opinions on me or even think about me very often.
No, with this particular post, I'm talking about the majority of people in my life and the two headings they fall under...
1. Those who love Marmite.
2. Those who hate Marmite.

And let me tell you: those who hate Marmite really fucking hate Marmite.
I've had stuff thrown at me, had my possessions stolen, been physically hit, told I was worthless, told I was ugly, had rumours spread about me, asked to go kill myself, been threatened, been mocked, been verbally abused and the list goes on and on.
For most of these instances, I've had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to have done.
For many other of these instances, the stuff I was meant to have done made no sense.
One time, I was informed that the reason someone had thrown a rotten apple at me (that proceeded to explode all over the book I had been reading at the time) was because I had insulted the thrower's sister.
Who not only had I never insulted but also had never met, nor did I know of her existence up until that point.
But hey, maybe that was my mistake. Or at least they certainly seemed to think so.
Another reason many of these people have started a one-sided feud with me seems to be summed up by the words "freak," "lunatic," "nerd" or "loser."
In other words, "she's weird."

But then there's the other side of things: people who love Marmite seem to really love Marmite.
I've had people do the nicest, most incredible things for me without any sort of motivation (or even hints) on my part.
I've received astoundingly thoughtful gifts, sent countless kindly-worded messages, been treated to unbelievable days out, had people say the sweetest things to me and have been humbled numerous times by great people referring to me as one of their best friends.
I cannot, for the life of me, pinpoint why these people like me so much or why they want to keep me around. I'm not fishing for compliments when I say that I don't see why they would willingly do so much for me so (being a curious and self-indulgent eejit) I've outright asked a few people why.
One of the main reasons many of these people give for liking me seems to be summed up by the words "different," "lunatic," "nerd" or "unique."
In other words, "she's weird."

So if I can avoid sounding like I suffer from Special-Little-Snowflake Syndrome, I'd like to agree with that statement.
Just like Marmite, I am weird.
And just like Marmite, that suits some people's tastes and it doesn't others.

For a long time, this really bothered me.
From first to fourth year in secondary school, I got bullied a lot. There was even a small group of people who hated me (and loved to show it) all the way up to graduation in sixth year.
But it wasn't just schoolyard stuff.
Lots of people have shown extreme disdain for me outside of the school atmosphere as well. And it's right from the get-go - I say two words and they immediately get this look on their faces like I'm an appallingly disgusting brand of food spread that is both horrendously salty and annoyingly syrupy.

It used to really get to me.
I didn't understand why there were people who seemed to abhor me without really giving me what I thought of as a fair chance.
And it was only when I was about 17 years old on the phone to my amazing sister Kirsten one night that any sort of revelation about it came to me.
She said "because you're different, you're an easy target. But that's not bad. Being different is a really, really good thing. You'll see."

So we're back to the whole "weird" thing again here. Which, turns out, is pretty much a deal-breaker in my life.
And ever since my sister said those glorious words to me, she's been proven right about how being different is a really, really good thing.
Lots of people have shown fondness for me right from the get-go - I say two words and they immediately get this look on their faces like I'm an awesomely delicious brand of food spread that is both perfectly salty and endearingly syrupy.
Boom. Instant friends.

And so, I've learned to really be OK with (dare I even say I've learned to love) being Marmite.
Why? Because it balances out so perfectly.
In fact, most of the time it balances out with much more positivity than negativity.

A few months ago, I received a message from someone via Facebook that (in so many words) basically told me to stop uploading so many selfies on Instagram because no one wanted to see my "dog face."
Instant block. Goodbye boy. Farewell.
Did it make me feel bad? Of course.
I don't take selfies for anyone other than myself but it still hurts when people apparently hate me so much they feel the need to point out how ugly they think I am.
But that one nasty comment is immediately voided by the generous compliments I sometimes get when I indulge in my poser addiction and upload a selfie to Instagram or Facebook.
The flattery I've received once in a while from friends has been nothing short of benevolent.
And that's not the only example I have...

A good long while ago, as I was walking home, someone threw a can of Dutch Gold at me (classy choice man), called me a "ginger bitch" and made a delightful hand gesture.
Yes, they were probably drunk, but they were also someone who had voiced distaste for me before while flawlessly sober.
Around the same time, I had someone else give me the present of a notepad with my initials on it that also included a detailed note on how glad they were to have me as a friend on the first few pages.
Oh and the same person gave me a can of Dr Pepper that day. That in itself is a great way to make my day a good one.

This phenomenon (which I have named "The Marmite Equilibrium") has presented itself many other times.
Whenever someone says something nasty to me, there are five other people who say something nice.
If there's somebody who does/says something that makes me feel two feet tall, there is somebody else to help build me back up again.
Every time I'm given the impression that I suck, that I'm I have no redeemable qualities or I'm just a full-fledged bad person, there are those waiting to do everything they can to make me feel like I rock, I have several awesome traits and that I am, after all, a good person.

An interesting thing to note is that both sides of the Marmite Equilibrium refuse to acknowledge their existence.
If I try to call out people who hate Marmite on why they have to try and make my life such a misery, they'll immediately accuse me of "deserving what I get," "asking for it," "acting the victim" or (the ever-popular) "it's just a joke and you have no sense of humour."
The last one really gets to me because it's only a joke if everyone is laughing but hey, we'll save that rant for another day.
Similarly, if I try to call out people who love Marmite on why they voluntarily do so much to keep a smile on my face, they're quick to tell me "I deserve what I get," "it's no big deal," "it's what friends do" or (the one that always makes me grin from ear to ear) "I just like you is all."

The reason Arsenic In My Every Endorphin went on hiatus for so long is because I still, as much as I hate to admit it, am deeply affected by what the people who hate Marmite so much have to say about me.
There's 30 seconds of a YouTube video dedicated to what a fucking idiot I am (I'm pretty sure it's still up, I don't know, it's not in any of my personal playlists) so I shudder to think what else they'll put me through on the realm of the internet.

But whenever I put up a link to my blog on my Facebook, a couple of people always share it, usually
with a kind, humbling note on how funny, smart or cool I am.
And so, I want to thank you for the confidence you give me.
Every single person who loves Marmite gives me more strength, courage and self-assurance than I could ever express in less than a 5,000-word dissertation.
I am so grateful to have every single one of you in my life.

And so, in conclusion, being Marmite has its downsides.
But when you get to have people in your life as amazing as the people I have in mine, it becomes clear that those downsides are very much worth it.

And that is why I identify so strongly with jars of sticky food paste.

Me on an average Tuesday

6 Irish Music Acts You Should Know About

Since December of last year, I've been working as an event coordinator for Pleasing Features Music and enjoying every second of it.
Nearly every single band and artist I've been working with has exhibited exceptional talent, incredible musical skill and complete professionalism when trying to put the shows together.

Plus, I get the added bonus of being that insufferable hipster idiot whose iPod is packed full of music by bands "you've probably never heard of."

But that's the thing - you should hear of them.
It's happened a lot recently that I've ended up recommending the music of some of these bands to friends who I know would love them.
And that's exactly what inspired this post.

Now I should mention off the bat that these are not the "top 5" bands I've come across. If I tried to make a "top" list of these amazing entertainers, it would have to be at least a top 50 and I'd be here for weeks and weeks, trying to craft an exact order.
(And in the end, you'd find a very defeated and extremely disgruntled skeleton sitting at my desk).

No. For this blog post, I tried to assemble five bands with very different sounds, styles and energies from each other.
That way, I'm sure all of you who read this will find something new to listen to.

I very much doubt that this will be the first of these blog posts I publish - there are numerous bands I want to write a praising (and possibly cringey) paragraph on but for now, here's (in no particular order) five Irish music acts you should know about.

1. The Shades

* Give them a listen if you like:
The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Jake Bugg, The Vaccines, The Strokes, Arctic Monkeys, Chuck Berry, Oasis, Dr Feelgood or Eddie & The Hot Rods.
* You can find their music at:
{Their website}

Photo by Ronan Power

Rhythm, style and energy are probably the three words that can best summarise this five-piece from Dublin. As soon as they start playing, you can tell they've garnered some inspiration from legendary bands like The Beatles, The Yardbirds and The Rolling Stones, as well as more contemporary acts like Arctic Monkeys and Jake Bugg. However, they do not seek to emulate these musicians but rather merge their sounds together to create something entirely new.
When I saw them play live, I was instantly blown away by the spirit they all have whilst performing. The amazing energy they generate is extremely reminiscent of the great Chuck Berry. All five members give it their all, making it a captivating experience that draws in every member of the audience.
Combining a casual throwback to the 1960's with an elegant Indie rock style, this band belongs in the music collection of anyone who has a passion for rock 'n' roll throughout the ages.

Photo by Ronan Power

2. Naoise Roo

* Give her a listen if you like: 
Nick Cave, PJ Harvey, Tom Waits, Radiohead, Portishead, Massive Attack, The Glove or UNKLE.
* You can find her music at:
{Her SoundCloud or her YouTube account}
{You can also download her brilliant track "Oh Son" for free here}

Picture courtesy of Naoise Roo

Imagine if Thom Yorke of Radiohead and PJ Harvey had a baby on the set of Moulin Rouge. Now imagine if that baby's godfather was Nick Cave. That baby would most likely grow up to be Naoise Roo.

Incorporating a range of styles and sounds, Naoise creates an emotional cabaret atmosphere that is not without zeal, artistry and enthusiasm. Her band consists of four incredibly talented musicians who have done their part to ensure that Naoise's music is fine-tuned to the point of perfection.
Her performances are passionate and lively, making it clear that the people onstage are enjoying the show as much as those who are watching it. At one show I was lucky enough to attend, the crowd became so excited that a miniature mosh pit broke out, proving that the devotion this artist shows onstage really is contagious.
With an album (Lilith) coming out this April, Naoise's future is looking great. And so will your iPod once you have the album on it!

Photo by Ronan Power

3. Radio Room

* Give them a listen if you like:
Maximo Park, Vampire Weekend, Keane, The Strokes, Snow Patrol, Bloc Party or Foals.
* You can find their music at:
{Their SoundCloud or their YouTube account}

Photo courtesy of Radio Room

I think one of the best ways to describe this group of four is that it's easy to imagine someone telling you that Radio Room are their favourite band. With memorable riffs, animated drumming and original lyrics, their tracks can definitely be described as enduring and catchy.Their live shows mirror this captivating force by immediately winning the attention of the audience with the first few notes they play.
But it's not just music designed for you to (happily) have stuck in your head for the rest of the day. It is also meaningful, intelligent and includes that very human element that makes it seem like some of those songs might just have been written about you and your life.
With an album coming out later this year (which you can preview here), this band is definitely one to get yourself acquainted with if you're a fan of the Indie - alternative genre.

Photo by me, myself & I

4. TADGH
* Give him a listen if you like:
Maroon 5, Jamiroquai, Bruno Mars, The Brand New Heavies, Jamie Cullum, Justin Timberlake or Curtis Mayfield.
* You can find his music at:
{His Facebook page}
{Note: TADGH works to make his music a personal experience for anyone who enjoys it. Via his Facebook page, you can send your e-mail to his manager to receive direct updates on what he's working on}

Courtesy of TADGH

TADGH is a brand new artist on the music scene and I had the absolute pleasure of seeing his first ever live performance just last week.
Wedding together the genres of pop, R&B, soul and funk, TADGH presents the audience with the happy marriage that is his music.
His sound is sprightly, bright and easy to listen to, while still being insightful enough to make the audience concentrate on the words he's singing. His band are made up of a team of skilled instrumentalists who help develop TADGH's songs into the type of tracks that you would hear as single releases on the radio.
Unlike so many other artists who try to produce happy songs, his music is not cheesy in the least. Instead, it is cheerful and refreshing with catchy riffs and perceptive lyrics.
The live show itself was a relaxing (but still enthralling) experience that constructed a laidback, enjoyable atmosphere for all who were present.
If you like the type of music that tends to sell out Dublin's 3 Arena or London's O2, you'll be able to appreciate this talented artist. 

5. Within Without
* Give them a listen if you like:

Stone Temple Pilots, Rage Against The Machine, Placebo, Green River, 30 Seconds To Mars or Blind Melon.
* You can find their music at:
{Their Facebook page}

Picture courtesy of Within Without

Fresh on the Dublin music scene, this hard rock band is made up of four experienced and skilled musicians that all bring their own individual genius to the group.
Their songs are ruthlessly spirited, with fast-paced drumming, thrashing guitar riffs and exceptional lyrics.
Out of all the bands I've seen perform live in the past few months, Within Without certainly put on one of the most energetic and memorable shows. High-powered and unbelievably zealous, the band effortlessly captured (and kept) the full attention of the crowd with the very first song. Using the entire room as their stage, Within Without had everyone up on their feet and created the impression that you were at a gig of one of your favourite bands - not a group you were seeing for the first time.
When you see them live, it becomes obvious that the four members all work tirelessly to make Within Without an inclusive and enjoyable event for every single person in the audience and I'd suggest their music to anyone who loves that good ol' feeling of completely cutting loose to good music.

Photo by me, myself & I

6. i am niamh
* Give her a listen if you like:
Deerhoof, Times New Viking, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Florence & The Machine, Debussy, Lightning Bolt, Regina Spektor or Joanna Newsom.
* You can find her music at:
{Her website}

Courtesy of i am niamh

Interesting, extraordinary and inimitable music is the main result that has come of i am niamh, the music project of just one talented individual.
Utilising a looping track to create an ambiance that could be described as beguilingly celestial, Niamh's music is certainly both progressive and extremely appealing.
When I saw her play live, her performance immediately absorbed the entire room, with people commenting to one another how original the music was between songs.
Perhaps it is the artist's classically trained voice that adds to the distinct atmosphere of i am niamh, but it is definitely a must for any fan of interesting and avant-garde music.


7. CREEP
* Give them a listen if you like:
Alice In Chains, Pantera, Audioslave, Soulfly, Guns 'N' Roses or Soundgarden.
* You can find their music at:
{Their Facebook page or their guitarist's YouTube account}

Picture courtesy of Creep

Ta-da! It's a secret seventh entry!

This band isn't included on the main list because ...
1. I didn't meet them through Pleasing Features Music.
2. They are currently on indefinite hiatus.
But I really, really like these guys so I wanted to give them a mention anyway!

Creep's music hybridizes grunge and metal to create an energetic and expressive sound. With driving riffs, tireless drumming and dynamic vocals, the band's music is immediately reminiscent of thrash metal bands like Metallica, Pantera or Anthrax. However, their grunge influences also exhibit a more poignant side to their music, including stirring key changes and innovative lyrics.
The band's live shows are spirited, enlivened and instantly successful in getting the audience keyed up and shouting for an encore.
I guess I do need to mention at this point that my boyfriend is the bassist for Creep (cue the eye-rolling from people who think I'm being biased and nepotistic) but I honestly wouldn't include them on this post if I didn't think they were a uniquely talented group. And besides, why would I want to contribute to the growth of his ego? (Joke. But not really).
I'm recommending this band to anyone who likes to genuinely have fun when they're just sitting on the bus/train and listening to their music.
And who knows? Maybe if we pester them enough, the hiatus will soon be over.

Picture courtesy of Creep

Well, I certainly hope you'll find something from this list that you'll enjoy (to be honest, I'd be very surprised if you don't).
And if you're the type who's interested in unique, pioneering music in general, you'd most likely also be the type who'd be interested in what we do at Pleasing Features (yup, here comes the shameless self-promo).
As stated by our manager and founder, Shane Chambers, we aim to "promote and showcase innovative and original acts."
We have live events every Monday night at The Workman's Club in the city centre so feel free to pop by anytime! The nights usually kick off at about 7:30pm and it's free in.
You can also check us out on Facebook (click here), Twitter (click here), Instagram (click here) or our own website (click here).

Picture courtesy of Pleasing Features Music

Like I said, I see talent on such a regular basis at Pleasing Features that it's probably only a matter of time until I release a Part II to this post.
Until then, enjoy listening to all the new music your awesome friend Aimee hooked you up with!

Top 5 Things Not To Do On Public Transport

This post is dedicated to my dear friend Eileen who gave me the push I needed to go back to blogging and stop worrying so much about what unpleasant things people who are less than fond of me might have to say about it.
Eileen has her own brilliant blog which you can read here...
{Eileen! TMI!}
Thanks again pal! :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, after a long hiatus, I'm back to the sea of chirping crickets and tumbleweeds that is my blog's audience.
And as a throwback to my posts of yore, the first thing I'll be writing on will be my incredibly dysfunctional and ever-entertaining relationship with public transport.

Peeps, I present to you the very pinnacle of useful knowledge I have collected from three years of Arts college - what NOT to do on public transport.

#5: Make Eye Contact
I think anyone living in any country in the world could tell you that this is the first big no-no of public transport. Or at least anyone who doesn't enjoy the possibility of getting stabbed.

Of course, not everyone on your daily journey is going to be a weirdo.
Nine out of ten times you make eye contact with as person on the bus, you'll exchange awkward nods/smiles and that'll be the end of it.

But it's no secret that many lunatics find a home on trains and buses so they're the first (and probably most significant) type of person you want to avoid.
You also probably want to steer clear of anyone looking to make a new friend if, in the very likely instance, you yourself do not feel like making a new friend that day.
This may seem like a stupid thing to say but I have run into people on buses before who take your accidental eye contact and apologetic, awkward smile as an invitation to forge a beautiful friendship.
And the morning commute is hard enough without having to maintain a blossoming alliance with Bríd, the lady in the red hat.

#4: Make Noise
Let's be honest.

There's two major types of journeys in the world of transit - the cranky voyage to work/college in the morning that smells like coffee and the drowsy voyage home in the evening that smells like you want more coffee.
Neither of the people who take part in these journeys will greatly appreciate any unnecessary noise.

This means that the daily commute is not a time to attempt to bleed your ears clean with booming music, play a video game without headphones or (most importantly) talk loudly and boorishly on your phone.

Don't get me wrong now - if you want to make a phone call, you go right ahead.
Just keep it several volumes below "vulgarly obtrusive" if you can.
There is literally nothing worse than listening to a commuter echoing the story of their day off of every surface of the bus. No one cares about how you beat the sales record of the month Seán, just shut up and stare monotonously out the window like the rest of us.

Also, do not get on the bus with a flock of your friends, occupy the top floor and start screeching like a barn owl in heat (*cough* students who come over from Europe during the summer *cough*). Your friend is right next to you. I promise he can hear you.
As described in #5, you're not there to make friends.
But for the love of God, don't place yourself there to make sworn enemies either.

#3: Treat Your Luggage Like A Person
There's a very rare type of mental delusion where one perceives everyday objects as being sentient and having the same thoughts and feelings as a human being.
And unless you are suffering from this disorder, there is absolutely no reason why your oversized luggage should sit next to you on public transport - especially not in a seat meant for human use.

Just for clarification, I should mention that this includes...
- NOT balancing your massive suitcases precariously on the side of a seat where it is free to topple over and smush an innocent commuter's feet.
- NOT arranging your colony of shopping bags around you in such a way that it stops everybody in a meter radius of you from being comfortable.
- NOT giving your backpack/satchel/handbag its own seat. Trust me, your bag isn't too prideful. It won't mind sitting on your lap. Mostly because it's a fucking bag.

And most of all, please do not roll your eyes and sigh dramatically when asked to move your stuff so somebody else can sit down.
It might interest you to know that there is a mode of transportation where you're free to throw your shit wherever and not have to move it for others.
It's called a car.

#2: Board The Bus With No Basic Understanding Of Said Bus -
There is absolutely no problem with hopping aboard a bus and asking the driver if he goes to such-and-such street or how much the fare is to get there.

However, there is a problem with getting on the bus without the foggiest of notions whereabouts the bus is going, how long it will take to get there, what route it will follow and how much it will cost for you and your five equally clueless friends.
Some folks may be totally flabbergasted by this but most people who are not you have lives and places to be. Therefore, it is not in their best interest for you to spend ten minutes of their commute asking the driver everything from the exact path of the bus to the capital of Texas and back again.

We live in an age where it is remarkably easy to inform yourself of these things ahead of time. Or to sit down and quietly wait to discover all the answers to these questions yourself.
It's also one of my favourite things about the train - doors open, doors close. Your questions can wait at the platform.

#1: Be Annoying -
You might think the other four categories already covered this point but they have only begun to discuss the tip of the iceberg.

In my three years of utilising public transport on a daily basis, I have come across many, many people who have found new, innovative (and sometimes downright impressive) ways to irritate other passengers.
The following list is compiled from my own personal experience.

While travelling on public transport, please refrain from...
- Sitting on top of other people. There is no need. You will be supplied with your own seat.
- Asking commuters to hold something for you (most modes of public transportation are currently without built-in butlers).
- Opening all windows on the bus/train during a small blizzard.
- Closing all windows on the bus/train during a heatwave.
- Asking the person behind you if they'd like to talk about Satan.
- Flirting with the two elderly ladies in front of you until they get so scared they have to move.
- Dripping nacho cheese everywhere.
- Taking pictures of other people on the bus for your unknown (but possibly creepy) reasons.
- Yelling at other people about having their feet up on seats or listening to their music too loud. Remember that you have the power to use your indoor voice when making requests.
- Playing with your new pet, which is not actually a pet, but seems to be a bundle of rags.
- Drinking a bottle of wine while informing the person next to you of how badly you want an Easter egg.
- Making loud orgasm noises while you eat half a watermelon (this one, experienced on the London Underground, was especially impressive).
- Passing out crudely-drawn brochures that advertise your new religion.
- Making unwanted sexual remarks to other passengers.
- Rolling around on the floor.

Overall, if you try to act like you've keep some small level of sanity over the years you've spent on this planet, you should be more than able to provide a comfortable atmosphere for you and those around you on public transport.

The Time I Forgot I Had A Blog

Well, shit.

....

I totally forgot that this used to be a genuine form of procrastination for me.

This entire time, it's been safely nestled away in some dusty corner of the internet while I pursued other deflecting distractions that steer my attention away from the prime objective.

What is the prime objective?
I'm trying to find that out. But I'm also procrastinating the eventual discovery so it might take a while for me to get back to you with a definitive answer.

Anyway, the blog is back up and running, yay!

In the coming weeks, you can expect to find the following on this blog (if I continue to remember that I have one)...

• Tales of the weird crap that goes on in my life (see past blog posts).
• Reviews of various books, albums, movies etc.
• Stirring intellectual discussion (i.e.  me talking to myself about various topics in a hopefully intelligible manner).
• Shitty, pretentious poetry.
• Musings on life.

As well as many other things my older self will look back on and face-palm about.

I hope you enjoy what's to come!
And I hope I remember to post it in the first place.