Whether they're bootlegs of real brands, cheap objects mass-produced in bulk or just plain confusing, I have compiled some of the very best knock-off gifts you can buy this Christmas for all those you hold dear.
1. A Snakes & Ladders Board Game
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What immediately drew my attention to this little guy was the fact that it seems to be a game of Snakes & Ladders featuring multi-coloured pawns.
The box proclaims the board to be beautiful, proving once and for all that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Furthermore, the fact that this board game comes with playing pieces is seen to be a "bonus," which literally tells you everything you need to know about this product and the company that manufactured it.
This company believes that supplying you with the correct apparatus to actually play the game is a bonus, not a necessity.
Let's just be grateful they don't make safety equipment for vehicles, selling you a seatbelt with a "bonus" buckle to prevent you from dying.
I never thought I'd say this but €2 actually seems pretty steep for this board game.
Who you should buy this for:
I feel this was made for small children who don't know better but, honestly, no kid is this stupid. Perhaps you should buy it for a kid as a "bonus" gift, while actually getting them something halfway decent at the same time.
2. Bootlego
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See what I did there? Lego + bootleg = Bootlego. Hilarious I know.
Anyway, this is literally just a bag of not trying.
Not only did this manufacturer completely rip off the Lego brand, but they also didn't make much effort to hide the fact that they did.
For instance, these "happy time" blocks are apparently made by Lele Brother.
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Who you should buy this for:
If you're feeling particularly evil, you can buy this for an old, easily confused grandmother who will then excitedly give it to her grandkids on Christmas morning, genuinely believing that is real, authentic Lego.
Many moons later, when this old lady passes away, her grandchildren will fondly remember her with sentences like "yeah, Granny was OK. The cheap cow only ever bought us Lele Brother-brand bricks though."
3. Plastic Snake-Headed Cane
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Closely resembling a leftover Halloween accessory, this one-of-a-kind staff is almost definitely a leftover Halloween accessory.
What is most striking about this product is the fact that it holds the warning of being 14+, probably because the first 13 years of your life don't give you the sheer emotional maturity needed to wield a plastic walking stick.
Who you should buy this for:
A very strange 14-year-old.
4. A Projectile-Firing Toy Car
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This toy seems to be a hybrid of a delightful little car and a missile-launcher. There's also something weird going on with the wheels.
To me, this suggests that a toy company had lots of parts left over from various projects, and decided to combine them all in what they then dubbed the "Cartoon Super Truck."
It's a fitting name if you ask me - I definitely remember all cars from the cartoons I watched as a child being equipped with far-ranging missiles.
Who you should buy this for:
Someone who has a mighty need for a fuzzy-wheeled vehicle that is self-sufficient to protect itself from dangers. It's a big world - if you search around long enough, I'm sure you'll find somebody with those requirements.
5. Strong Heroes Action Figure
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This toy is special, in that it combines all your favourite patented action heroes and unites them as the Special Force Heroes, which I assume is a legion of elite champions who aim to fight crime and circumvent copyright claim. You'll find all the best superheroes on the box: Superman, Batman, Robin, Spider-Man and even Zorro, who looks even more surprised than you are by his presence on the packaging.
The toy itself seems to be Spider-Man and Venom fused together and abusing steroids. The box also claims it is "simulating a true style" which I can only assume is some style of avant-garde toy art.
Who you should buy this for:
The best use of this anomaly is to purchase it as a joke gift for your comic book collector friend. He might get a laugh out of the many familiar faces pain-stakingly researched for the box art on a Google Image search.
6. Array Of Plastic Vehicles & Such
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I'm not very familiar with Asian alphabets so I unfortunately can't translate what this is.
Using critical analysis though, I would hazard a guess that it is a variety of different city-themed objects, people and automobiles. I imagine these would be best-suited to a poorly constructed and off-colour city that doesn't give much of a shit about its own existence.
I'd say the biggest selling point is that (unlike with the snake-headed cane), this plastic product can be appreciated by anyone of the age of three and up.
But come on, who wouldn't appreciate that fine craftsmanship and attention to detail?
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Who you should buy this for:
Someone very, very, very laidback who holds their presents to the same standard as a half-eaten sandwich that's been left on the living room table for more than three days.
7. ???
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I have no idea.
It looks to be a knock-off of one of those emoji pillows that have become popular recently.
However, it has the wrong eyes, bizarrely suggestive eyebrows and two red things that may in fact be the devil himself getting his claws into this thing to condemn it to hell.
Actually, scratch that.
As someone who has actually been accused of being the devil, I can say that Satan most likely has better taste than that.
Who you should buy this for:
Literally no one.
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So, with my reviews in mind, I daresay you can go on your next Christmas shopping trip knowing exactly what to get those you love.
As well as those you hate (get the poop pillow).
Happy shopping friends, and have a very merry Christmas and a joyous new year!
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| "Gary has been very bold this year ... he's getting a poop pillow for sure!" |
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