Eileen has her own brilliant blog which you can read here...
{Eileen! TMI!}
Thanks again pal! :)
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Well, after a long hiatus, I'm back to the sea of chirping crickets and tumbleweeds that is my blog's audience.
And as a throwback to my posts of yore, the first thing I'll be writing on will be my incredibly dysfunctional and ever-entertaining relationship with public transport.
Peeps, I present to you the very pinnacle of useful knowledge I have collected from three years of Arts college - what NOT to do on public transport.
#5: Make Eye Contact
I think anyone living in any country in the world could tell you that this is the first big no-no of public transport. Or at least anyone who doesn't enjoy the possibility of getting stabbed.
Of course, not everyone on your daily journey is going to be a weirdo.
Nine out of ten times you make eye contact with as person on the bus, you'll exchange awkward nods/smiles and that'll be the end of it.
But it's no secret that many lunatics find a home on trains and buses so they're the first (and probably most significant) type of person you want to avoid.
You also probably want to steer clear of anyone looking to make a new friend if, in the very likely instance, you yourself do not feel like making a new friend that day.
This may seem like a stupid thing to say but I have run into people on buses before who take your accidental eye contact and apologetic, awkward smile as an invitation to forge a beautiful friendship.
And the morning commute is hard enough without having to maintain a blossoming alliance with Bríd, the lady in the red hat.
#4: Make Noise
Let's be honest.
There's two major types of journeys in the world of transit - the cranky voyage to work/college in the morning that smells like coffee and the drowsy voyage home in the evening that smells like you want more coffee.
Neither of the people who take part in these journeys will greatly appreciate any unnecessary noise.
This means that the daily commute is not a time to attempt to bleed your ears clean with booming music, play a video game without headphones or (most importantly) talk loudly and boorishly on your phone.
Don't get me wrong now - if you want to make a phone call, you go right ahead.
Just keep it several volumes below "vulgarly obtrusive" if you can.
There is literally nothing worse than listening to a commuter echoing the story of their day off of every surface of the bus. No one cares about how you beat the sales record of the month Seán, just shut up and stare monotonously out the window like the rest of us.
Also, do not get on the bus with a flock of your friends, occupy the top floor and start screeching like a barn owl in heat (*cough* students who come over from Europe during the summer *cough*). Your friend is right next to you. I promise he can hear you.
As described in #5, you're not there to make friends.
But for the love of God, don't place yourself there to make sworn enemies either.
#3: Treat Your Luggage Like A Person
There's a very rare type of mental delusion where one perceives everyday objects as being sentient and having the same thoughts and feelings as a human being.
And unless you are suffering from this disorder, there is absolutely no reason why your oversized luggage should sit next to you on public transport - especially not in a seat meant for human use.
Just for clarification, I should mention that this includes...
- NOT balancing your massive suitcases precariously on the side of a seat where it is free to topple over and smush an innocent commuter's feet.
- NOT arranging your colony of shopping bags around you in such a way that it stops everybody in a meter radius of you from being comfortable.
- NOT giving your backpack/satchel/handbag its own seat. Trust me, your bag isn't too prideful. It won't mind sitting on your lap. Mostly because it's a fucking bag.
And most of all, please do not roll your eyes and sigh dramatically when asked to move your stuff so somebody else can sit down.
It might interest you to know that there is a mode of transportation where you're free to throw your shit wherever and not have to move it for others.
It's called a car.
#2: Board The Bus With No Basic Understanding Of Said Bus -
There is absolutely no problem with hopping aboard a bus and asking the driver if he goes to such-and-such street or how much the fare is to get there.
However, there is a problem with getting on the bus without the foggiest of notions whereabouts the bus is going, how long it will take to get there, what route it will follow and how much it will cost for you and your five equally clueless friends.
Some folks may be totally flabbergasted by this but most people who are not you have lives and places to be. Therefore, it is not in their best interest for you to spend ten minutes of their commute asking the driver everything from the exact path of the bus to the capital of Texas and back again.
We live in an age where it is remarkably easy to inform yourself of these things ahead of time. Or to sit down and quietly wait to discover all the answers to these questions yourself.
It's also one of my favourite things about the train - doors open, doors close. Your questions can wait at the platform.
#1: Be Annoying -
You might think the other four categories already covered this point but they have only begun to discuss the tip of the iceberg.
In my three years of utilising public transport on a daily basis, I have come across many, many people who have found new, innovative (and sometimes downright impressive) ways to irritate other passengers.
The following list is compiled from my own personal experience.
While travelling on public transport, please refrain from...
- Sitting on top of other people. There is no need. You will be supplied with your own seat.
- Asking commuters to hold something for you (most modes of public transportation are currently without built-in butlers).
- Opening all windows on the bus/train during a small blizzard.
- Closing all windows on the bus/train during a heatwave.
- Asking the person behind you if they'd like to talk about Satan.
- Flirting with the two elderly ladies in front of you until they get so scared they have to move.
- Dripping nacho cheese everywhere.
- Taking pictures of other people on the bus for your unknown (but possibly creepy) reasons.
- Yelling at other people about having their feet up on seats or listening to their music too loud. Remember that you have the power to use your indoor voice when making requests.
- Playing with your new pet, which is not actually a pet, but seems to be a bundle of rags.
- Drinking a bottle of wine while informing the person next to you of how badly you want an Easter egg.
- Making loud orgasm noises while you eat half a watermelon (this one, experienced on the London Underground, was especially impressive).
- Passing out crudely-drawn brochures that advertise your new religion.
- Making unwanted sexual remarks to other passengers.
- Rolling around on the floor.
Overall, if you try to act like you've keep some small level of sanity over the years you've spent on this planet, you should be more than able to provide a comfortable atmosphere for you and those around you on public transport.
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