Thursday, 3 December 2015

7 Knock-Off Gifts You Can Buy This Christmas

As December rolls in and the hunt for presents for your loved ones begins, thousands upon thousands of knock-off brand items are belched off the assembly line and delivered to a retail outlet near you.

Whether they're bootlegs of real brands, cheap objects mass-produced in bulk or just plain confusing, I have compiled some of the very best knock-off gifts you can buy this Christmas for all those you hold dear.


1. A Snakes & Ladders Board Game



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Description:
What immediately drew my attention to this little guy was the fact that it seems to be a game of Snakes & Ladders featuring multi-coloured pawns.
The box proclaims the board to be beautiful, proving once and for all that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Furthermore, the fact that this board game comes with playing pieces is seen to be a "bonus," which literally tells you everything you need to know about this product and the company that manufactured it.
This company believes that supplying you with the correct apparatus to actually play the game is a bonus, not a necessity.
Let's just be grateful they don't make safety equipment for vehicles, selling you a seatbelt with a "bonus" buckle to prevent you from dying.
I never thought I'd say this but €2 actually seems pretty steep for this board game.
Who you should buy this for:
I feel this was made for small children who don't know better but, honestly, no kid is this stupid. Perhaps you should buy it for a kid as a "bonus" gift, while actually getting them something halfway decent at the same time.


2. Bootlego

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Description:
See what I did there? Lego + bootleg = Bootlego. Hilarious I know.
Anyway, this is literally just a bag of not trying.
Not only did this manufacturer completely rip off the Lego brand, but they also didn't make much effort to hide the fact that they did.
For instance, these "happy time" blocks are apparently made by Lele Brother.


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You know, the Lele Brother - the world famous toy brick producers who "rival" Lego. And completely ripped off their logo as well as their product.
Who you should buy this for:
If you're feeling particularly evil, you can buy this for an old, easily confused grandmother who will then excitedly give it to her grandkids on Christmas morning, genuinely believing that is real, authentic Lego.
Many moons later, when this old lady passes away, her grandchildren will fondly remember her with sentences like "yeah, Granny was OK. The cheap cow only ever bought us Lele Brother-brand bricks though."

3. Plastic Snake-Headed Cane



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Description:
Closely resembling a leftover Halloween accessory, this one-of-a-kind staff is almost definitely a leftover Halloween accessory.
What is most striking about this product is the fact that it holds the warning of being 14+, probably because the first 13 years of your life don't give you the sheer emotional maturity needed to wield a plastic walking stick.
Who you should buy this for:
A very strange 14-year-old.


4. A Projectile-Firing Toy Car


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Description:
This toy seems to be a hybrid of a delightful little car and a missile-launcher. There's also something weird going on with the wheels.
To me, this suggests that a toy company had lots of parts left over from various projects, and decided to combine them all in what they then dubbed the "Cartoon Super Truck."
It's a fitting name if you ask me - I definitely remember all cars from the cartoons I watched as a child being equipped with far-ranging missiles.
Who you should buy this for:
Someone who has a mighty need for a fuzzy-wheeled vehicle that is self-sufficient to protect itself from dangers. It's a big world - if you search around long enough, I'm sure you'll find somebody with those requirements.


5. Strong Heroes Action Figure



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Description:
This toy is special, in that it combines all your favourite patented action heroes and unites them as the Special Force Heroes, which I assume is a legion of elite champions who aim to fight crime and circumvent copyright claim. You'll find all the best superheroes on the box: Superman, Batman, Robin, Spider-Man and even Zorro, who looks even more surprised than you are by his presence on the packaging.
The toy itself seems to be Spider-Man and Venom fused together and abusing steroids. The box also claims it is "simulating a true style" which I can only assume is some style of avant-garde toy art.
Who you should buy this for:
The best use of this anomaly is to purchase it as a joke gift for your comic book collector friend. He might get a laugh out of the many familiar faces pain-stakingly researched for the box art on a Google Image search.


6. Array Of Plastic Vehicles & Such



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Description:
I'm not very familiar with Asian alphabets so I unfortunately can't translate what this is.
Using critical analysis though, I would hazard a guess that it is a variety of different city-themed objects, people and automobiles. I imagine these would be best-suited to a poorly constructed and off-colour city that doesn't give much of a shit about its own existence.
I'd say the biggest selling point is that (unlike with the snake-headed cane), this plastic product can be appreciated by anyone of the age of three and up.
But come on, who wouldn't appreciate that fine craftsmanship and attention to detail?


Excellence.
I don't know about you but to me, that looks like the shoddily-painted face of a police officer you can trust to take care of your city.
Who you should buy this for:
Someone very, very, very laidback who holds their presents to the same standard as a half-eaten sandwich that's been left on the living room table for more than three days.



7. ???


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Description:
I have no idea.
It looks to be a knock-off of one of those emoji pillows that have become popular recently.
However, it has the wrong eyes, bizarrely suggestive eyebrows and two red things that may in fact be the devil himself getting his claws into this thing to condemn it to hell.
Actually, scratch that.
As someone who has actually been accused of being the devil, I can say that Satan most likely has better taste than that.
Who you should buy this for:
Literally no one.


~~~

So, with my reviews in mind, I daresay you can go on your next Christmas shopping trip knowing exactly what to get those you love.
As well as those you hate (get the poop pillow).

Happy shopping friends, and have a very merry Christmas and a joyous new year!

"Gary has been very bold this year ... he's getting a poop pillow for sure!"

Whoa, That Was Deep Man

I'm not going to address my spiritual beliefs in this post because I like to (for the most part) keep this blog light-hearted.

However, I will say that I see no need for street preachers with microphones, loudly bellowing up and down the road about how we're all sinners and are going straight to hell.
I have nothing but respect for the religious proponents like the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Muslims from Discover Islam who stand quietly in the street and wait for you to approach them, but I really don't appreciate zealots literally shouting in my face about how I'm a wicked woman destined to writhe painfully in hellfire.
Call me crazy, but I don't find it especially pleasant conversation.

Anyway, there's one particular man who often preaches in the city centre and has no problem yelling obscenities at people who he deems to be without virtue.
While I can usually ignore him, I got very annoyed one day when he screamed at a passing same-sex couple holding hands that God hated them and was waiting to torture them eternally in the afterlife.

As someone who went to Catholic school (and Jesus Camp, but that's a story for another day), I know my fair share of Bible verses so I calmly reminded this guy of Matthew 19:6 ("So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate").
This didn't faze the street preacher though, he just waved me away dismissively whilst saying "the devil can quote scripture."

Oh well. These people have an answer for everything and no matter how nasty they act, they'll have some sort of justification for it.

I forgot about the encounter but time passed and I ran into the same street preacher on a different day.
When I wouldn't take the flyer he was trying to shove into my hand, he shouted at me "the devil will destroy you!"
As I walked away, he then threw back his head and loudly serenaded me.
I can't remember exactly but the lyrics were something like "oh, look at her who has gone astray, I rejoice the day she'll burn in hell."
Lovely sentiment but I doubt it'll make the Billboard Hot 100 Chart.

Anyway, as I strolled down the street, I couldn't help but realize that the exact same man had now insinuated both that the devil was coming for me and that I myself was the devil.

So ... could this man have been trying to tell me that I am my own worst enemy, in that I am the one with the potential to destroy myself?
Was he making a deeply poignant and philosophical point about how life often makes it that the person most likely to hurt us is ... ourselves?

No. He wasn't.

The next time I saw him, he was literally screeching at a group of Muslim women for wearing hijabs, so I think it's pretty much crystal clear that this man is not a truth-seeking prophet but rather just an idiot and a hate-filled nutjob.

So (coming from him) I'm going to take the fact that I was called the devil as an extremely generous compliment.

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6 Things That Will Make You Feel Better

I don't know what's wrong with you. But please don't judge me for this - half the time, I don't know what's wrong with me either.

But I do know that whether it's an out-and-out existential crisis or your sandwich falling on the floor, humans are wired in such a way that certain things will undoubtedly make us feel better.

So, like a doctor who's not doing his job right, I'm not going to diagnose you.
But I am going to tell you some tricks that might make you feel better.


"I have no idea what's wrong with you but you'll be fine probably.
That'll be €75 please."

1. Sleep


You know that ancient proverb from the IT technician culture? It goes - "have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
Well, that works for humans too.

See, sleep isn't just that thing you pretend to do when a stranger with questionable motives is making eye contact with you on the bus. Sleep is also one of the main things that keep the brain functioning in a healthy and productive way.
As the great Stephen King once put it (might not be verbatim, it's been a while since I read Insomnia) "sleep is the best nurse mankind has ever known."
In other words, when you go night-night, your brain has an opportunity to cure whatever ails ya. As you slumber, things are being repaired that you didn't even know were broken.
It's why you can fall asleep with a headache and wake up without it, or why you're always prescribed plenty of rest when you're sick.
Sleep also lets our mind subconsciously mull over problems and dilemmas from the day before, which is why you can often wake up feeling more positive about yesterday's problems than you did when you went to bed.

Unfortunately, when something is wrong, we tend to neglect sleep.
Whether we think we can combat our problems by staying up later, we want to distract our brains with something, or we just can't get to sleep, bad times ruin our relationship with sleep.

"Sleep is for the weak! I want another cat video!"

But sleep is critically important. Your CPU has to shut down and restart, remember?
How's it going to do that if you wander to the weird side of YouTube and start questioning everything you ever knew about the mysterious presence of the Babushka Lady at JFK's assassination? (Spoiler alert: It was an alien. Apparently. According to one video on YouTube anyway).

So, you have to find a balance.
If you just can't get to sleep at night, don't worry. The more you worry about it, the less sleep you'll get the next time around. The worst thing that can happen as a result is that you'll be tired the next day - that's all.
Are you stressed about the workload you have pressing on your shoulders?
Don't pull an all-nighter - go to bed earlier than usual, and get up earlier than usual.
Can you just not sleep at night but you're constantly tired?
Grab a quick nap if you can - 45-90 minutes is optimum napping time!
Do you find that you can get to sleep OK but then keep waking up in the night?
Cut out any and all sugar and caffeine after 6pm - it'll help your brain wind down.


2. Exercise & Eat Right


Ew. That heading looks icky.
But, as much as I hate to admit it when I'm really craving some chocolate cake, healthy foods and exercise do a lot for your mental health.

Wow, I can't believe I just said that.
If I didn't know much better, I'd say I'm becoming an adult.

The horror.


A jog or a quick workout sends endorphins firing into your brain. Plenty of endorphins are always welcome - especially during bad times.
Similarly, eating healthy, sensible-sized meals will make your body happier, thus making you happier too.

It doesn't mean you have to starve yourself or take every last opportunity as a chance to go sprinting, but cutting back on sugar, carbs, fat, salt, alcohol, caffeine and sodium for a few days will dramatically increase your mood.
Exercise does the same - while it might be difficult to psyche yourself up for it, you always feel better afterwards.

And then you can reward yourself with brownies and pizza - or brownie-pizza.
Which is a thing now.
2015 is weird.


3. Do Things You Like To Do


'Wow Aimee,' I hear you cry in shock. 'Doing things I like to do will make me happy?'
Yes, you smartass, it sounds obvious but when we're feeling down or caught up with work or bogged down by responsibilities, we often push our hobbies and interests to the side in an effort to confront the problems head-on.

Well, one way to confront them most effectively is to do it while genuinely cheerful. Yeah, sometimes things suck and it can be hard to feel cheerful at all but I'm not saying you need to be totally and completely contented with every facet of your life - you just need a boost.

You are not limited to the box.
You can partake in pursuits outside the box.

At the end of the day, "prioritising" doesn't just mean making time for everything you have to get done - it means making time for things you enjoy doing too.
If you spend every day working your fingers to the bone and not doing anything you actually think is entertaining, don't be surprised if you start to feel pretty terrible.
You're not a machine - you need a portion of each day where you can read a book or sew a tapestry or fly remote-control airplanes or watch TV or whatever it is you like to occupy your free time with.
Even just a little bit of fun can improve your mood dramatically so it might be time to reorganise your schedule to include some playtime.

4. Ask For Help


I'm really bad at asking for help - it's just something I have a huge mental block to.
I'll often start messages to people with "sorry to be asking" or "apologies for needing your help" and I'm usually embarrassed to request some type of support off the same person more than once a decade.
I think a lot of stigma exists around the idea of needing a bit of assistance - we think we're weak if we can't do something on our own but, to be honest, that's not true at all.

This came up as the stock image for "asking for help."
I don't why it did, but I love this picture so much.
Being independent doesn't mean you don't need anyone else ever. It means that you can exist without leeching off of other people and without needing others to do things for you all the time.
It does not mean you won't ever need somebody to lend a hand once in a while when things get rough.

Life is hard. This is something that's said to us as kids, before we even understand what life essentially is. As we grow older, we realize that (unlike with Santa and the Tooth Fairy) they weren't lying to us. Life is really, really hard.
So, naturally, sometimes you're going to need some help.
Sometimes you'll need to get someone to give you a hand in lifting something heavy, sometimes you'll need to go to your go to your boss and say you don't understand what's going on, sometimes you'll need to go to your bank and say you need a loan, sometimes you'll need to go to the people you trust and get some advice on an issue you don't know how to fix, sometimes you'll need to go to your college lecturer and say you don't know where you went wrong in your essay, and sometimes (whatever the context) you'll just need to swallow your pride and say "hey, I need some help over here."
Asking for help when you need it is something I've really come to value recently, and I'm trying to make myself do it more.

No matter how prepared and self-sufficient you are, things will undoubtedly spring up that you can't handle all by yourself.

Life might be hard - they said that.
But they never said you'd have to do it alone.



5. Talk


Yes, you could say this also falls under the "Ask For Help" heading but it's so important that I thought it deserved its own separate category.

Seriously, I can't stress the importance of this one enough ...
Talking. Is. Key.

"I really feel we should talk about all these spirals
that show up every time we decide to do something. It's
almost as if we're copyrighted or in the public domain or something."
If you mull something over and over in your head, you start to obsess over it and you especially start to obsess over all its negative aspects.
Saying a problem out loud lets you analyse it more coherently, and it also lets whoever you're talking to weigh in on the matter and offer their own viewpoint (which may very well be something you wouldn't have thought of before).
Solitary rumination usually leads to you becoming engrossed in the issue to the point of despair.
Talking about it will let you think more clearly, particularly if you have somebody else's opinion on the matter too.

Furthermore, it's good to talk in general.
If you're feeling low, you should make sure to touch base with your friends, your family and the people you care about. You don't necessarily have to discuss what's bothering you, you can just hang out and chat to take your mind off things and lift your spirits.
Staying social during the harder times in your life will stop you feeling isolated, and it'll let you have some fun and feel happy - despite the screaming in your soul.

 

"Dude, this thing on your iPad is totally distracting
me from the chasm of melancholy that is my life!"

If you find yourself in a situation where you're not really sure if you can talk to anyone in your life right now, you can pick up the phone and talk to the good folks at 1Life instead.


Or e-mail them at info@1life.ie.

Whatever you decide to do, just don't keep quiet when things are bad.
As an old friend of mine used to say, "when it comes to pain, silence is just not necessary."


6. Know That This Is Only Temporary


I think four of the most comforting words in the English language are "this too shall pass."
Nothing lasts forever, that's a well-known fact. Negative or positive, everything in the world is constantly changing and always in flux.

Literally nothing is permanent - which is a difficulty and a relief and a blessing and a burden and a comforting notion and a terrifying thought all at once.

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If everything that makes you happy feels like it's slipping away, don't worry - it'll all come back to you.
If something's happened that is irreversible and will never come back to you, you still shouldn't worry - the human psyche is flexible and you can re-adjust to living your life with whatever changes in it that might have taken place.


Alternatively, if everything feels like it's tumbling down on top of you, don't worry about that either - those problems will be fixed and remedied in due time.
Your ability to handle problems and emotions is consistently improving (even when you feel like it isn't) so every day, whether you notice it or not, it all gradually gets a little easier.

Things won't always be this way and you won't always feel this bad.

So hang on pal, this too shall pass. :)

~~~

In the meantime, while things are passing, feel free to check out some of these links ...

- YourMentalHealth (run by the HSE)
- The Mental Health Foundation (operates mainly in the UK)
- Bereaved.ie (run by The Hospice Foundation)
- 26 Ways To Reduce Homesickness
- 5 Reasons Life Actually Does Get Better (a brilliant article by John Cheese)
- 10 Things To Be Grateful For
- Aware.ie (provides information about depression)
- Safe Ireland (provides support for dealing with domestic violence & abuse)
- StudentFinance.ie
- CultEducation.com (provides advice for dealing with family members involved in cults)
- Guide to Stress Management
- Anger Management Counselling
- LifeRing Ireland (alcohol & addiction recovery group)

Friday, 28 August 2015

Musical Stranger

I don't know why but strangers often feel that they can strike up a conversation with me.

Sometimes it's people at a gig who just want a chat while waiting to use the toilet, sometimes it's somebody in a shop who wants to know if I have any experience with the item they're holding and once it was a mysterious lady on the bus who wore sunglasses and gave me advice on how to change my privacy settings on Facebook to better suit my needs.

And then, sometimes, it's just completely random strangers at completely random times.

For example, I was waiting at Tara Street DART station for a train home one evening when a man in his late twenties stumbled onto the platform, holding a six-pack of beers.

He wasn't badly drunk, just inebriated enough to wobble a bit when he walked, and to discuss things with strangers.

A perfect place to forge new friendships
The guy looks up and makes eye contact with me.
Suddenly, his face breaks into a big grin and he lurches quickly over to me.

"Hey, do you listen to HIM?"

In complete fairness to this guy, I look like someone who listens to HIM and, yes, I do actually listen to the Finnish band fronted by Ville Valo from time to time.

"Yeah," I told him. "I like them."

"Have you heard the new song?" he asked me. "The new one? It's called 'All Lips Go Blue'."

I smiled at him and shook my head.
Like most people, I'm not a big fan of talking to unfamiliar faces, but I also don't want to be unfriendly to someone who may just be drunk and harmless.

"Not yet man," I told him.

I hadn't really listened to anything on the Tears On Tape album yet but it had been out about a year by the time this story takes place and, although 'All Lips Go Blue' was the last single released from the album, it was hardly the "new song" by the band.

That didn't halt this guy's passion for the song though.

"I was in Finland with a couple of friends last week," he told me, eyes glazing over dreamily at the memory. "One night, we rowed into the middle of the lake and one guy turned the song on. He just picked up his iPod and turned it on as we were all sitting there. And the music seemed to glide out over the water. We all just sat there listening. It was amazing."

As I wondered if I should recommend this guy to write a book while drunk, he stared whimsically into space for a moment and then looked back at me.

"It was like getting a virtual high-five," he said in awe.

"That's awesome, I'll have to check it out," I said. "Thanks for the recommendation."

The guy looked at me for a moment, then smiled, held up his hand and I slapped him a non-virtual high-five.

"Take it easy," he told me.

"You too, have a good one."

Then he stumbled down the platform to drink more of his cans.
A young businessman also waiting for the train looked at the guy, then looked back at me and gave me a quizzical smile as if to say "what just happened?"

I shrugged, smiled back at him, and put my headphones back in.

Picture from tatianaf.buzznet.com
That night, I went home and looked up 'All Lips Go Blue' by HIM.
I hadn't been lying to the guy - I hadn't heard it yet and was really glad I gave it a chance.
It stayed one of my favourite songs for a few weeks after that!

So I'd like to thank one of the most useful strangers I ever came across, who offered me both a music recommendation and a high-five.
Thank you unknown man ... wherever you are.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

5 Things I Learnt From My Favourite Movie

As someone who's studied English literature extensively for the past three years, I've been programmed to break down every piece of art I see to its most basic components and analyse each one for import and meaning.

My favourite novels, TV shows, poems and films are no exception to this rule - especially not my favourite movie of all time, Legally Blonde.


Based on the novel by Amanda Brown, Legally Blonde tells the story of Elle Woods, a woman who gets into Harvard Law School to impress her ex-boyfriend and instead ends up falling in love with the world of law and becoming a top-notch lawyer.

I love this film for a lot of reasons - it's funny, it's happy, parts of it are wonderfully silly ("bend ... and snap!"), it stars a fantastic cast of actors and actresses, it's original and, on top of all that, it's pretty inspiring.
As a kid, Elle's character taught me a lot about what to expect and how to conduct yourself in day-to-day life - and they're still all lessons I find extremely useful to this day.

So without further ado, here's five things I learnt from my favourite movie, Legally Blonde.

1. Always Be Yourself


This is perhaps the most obvious message Legally Blonde conveys, but it's also one of the most important so let's discuss it.


One of the reasons this movie is so unique is because it's an underdog story with an unconventional underdog. Instead of a plain-Jane nerd from a penniless background, Elle Woods is a bubbly fashionista with rich parents who enjoys an active social life and plenty of hair-care products. Therefore, everyone assumes she's a brainless, superficial blonde and nothing more.

Throughout the film, we see plenty of instances of people giving Elle a hard time just for wearing pink and being blonde. At the very start of the movie, Warner breaks up with Elle because she's "more of a Marilyn than a Jackie" and tells her she's not serious enough for him. Later on in the film, he insults who she is again by telling her (in the most condescending way possible) "you're just not smart enough sweetie." Everyone at Harvard immediately turns up their noses at Elle's pink outfits and shuns her from their study groups for not being clever enough.

But what's so uplifting about Elle's character is that everybody's judgement and exclusion doesn't stop her from being who she is. She continues to dress in colourful outfits (even her laptop looks brighter and prettier than everyone else's), go to the salon, hang out with her beautician pal Paulette and write her essays on glorious hot pink paper.

This is why I've always seen Elle as a good role model for young girls (and young boys too of course!) - while not everyone enjoys getting their nails done or dressing in feminine clothes, Elle's experiences as a misfit are universal.
Her excited chattering about Delta Nu is comparable to a geeky kid talking passionately about Star Wars or Pokémon while everyone just glares at them like they're nuts. Harvard students staring capriciously at Elle as she walks around campus in pink is reminscent of a punk, goth or metalhead being frowned at for dressing the way they do.

It's also worth mentioning that Elle Woods is often recognised in the film world as a feminist icon for effeminate girls, proving that you don't have to be dull and austere with your hair scraped into a bun to be a successful, serious and motivated modern woman.

No matter how many times the phrase is repeated, "be yourself" is an incredibly important life lesson to learn and Legally Blonde encapsulates that perfectly.

2. Good Friends Are Important


At one point or another in life, we all come to realize that good friends are hard to come across and they're worth hanging on to when you do.

I've never heard it discussed much but Elle's friends are actually amazing to her.


Elle's two best friends, Margot and Serena, support her 100% in everything she does. From shopping for a proposal outfit to studying for her LSATs, they're always by her side and eager to help. Even though they don't always understand what Elle is doing or why she's doing it, they're constantly on hand to offer her love and encouragement. At the start of the film, they help her to study, grade her papers for her and boost her spirits every step of the way.
Even at the end of the movie, they show up at court to support their friend (enthusiastically urging the jury to "vote for Elle!!!") so although they may not always be familiar (or even comfortable) in Elle's world of law, they always do their best to be there for her.
So to be honest, Elle Woods' friends are the ones we should all aspire to have - and appreciate them when we do.

Furthermore, on the subject of good friends, Elle exhibits just how crucial friendship and trust can be in times of crisis. After she befriends Brooke Taylor-Windham (the woman she is defending in a murder trial and a fellow Delta Nu sister), she keeps the secret of Brooke's alibi in the strictest of confidence, despite the advice and judgment of those around her. Elle's friendship with Brooke means that Brooke trusts her enough to fire Callahan and make Ms Woods her leading lawyer - which ultimately leads to Elle winning the case and Brooke walking free.


It may be worth pointing out that the importance of friendship comes up again in the sequel, Legally Blonde 2 (sometimes known as Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) when all of Elle's friends band together to orchestrate a huge campaign and pass a law that makes animal testing illegal (on behalf of Bruiser's mom). Yet again, Margot and Serena come to Washington D.C. to show their support for Elle and help their buddy out.


3. Crying Doesn't Make You Weak


Now, I'm what you'd call an angry crier. And a sad crier. And a stressed crier.
Basically, I cry when I'm under pressure, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when other people are sad, confrontation makes me cry, being angry makes me cry and, well, the list goes on.
I cry all the time.
If I haven't cried all week and it comes to Sunday evening, that's how I usually know something is wrong.


But usually in the movies, you don't see a lot of strong, resolute people crying.
Protagonists are often too "tough" or "courageous" to cry and we generally only ever see the weaker, more unimportant characters blubbering onscreen.

However, Legally Blonde doesn't adhere to many stereotypes and (to my delight) it certainly does not stick to the idea that criers are cowardly, ineffectual people.
Elle cries plenty of times - she cries when she finds out Warner is with Vivian, she cries when Callahan hits on her and she full-on wails in public when Warner breaks up with her at the beginning of the film. In the sequel, she cries a notable amount of times too - even having a near-breakdown in the bathroom when she gets fired from her law firm.
Even Emmett, when talking about Professor Stromwell, admits that "she did make me cry once."


But crying doesn't stop any of the main characters from being strong, determined people.
Just because Elle sheds a few tears once in a while does not mean she gives up on her quest to rise to the top. Instead, she is fueled by her own emotion to do better and to be better.
As someone who often gets flack for being sensitive, I really like seeing a character being portrayed as brave and brilliant - while still crying under stress!

4. You Can Do Everything They Say You Can't


It's difficult to do things when you feel no one believes in you or is encouraging you.
Not to get too personal in this post (although I did just divulge the fact that I am a class 1 crier) but I still clearly remember what it was like back in school when I had a teacher who had no faith in me to do well in the subject she was teaching.
She repeatedly told me to drop to Ordinary Level and informed me that I should expect no grade higher than a D. My homework was always wrong no matter how much effort I put into it and she once rang my mom to tell her that she shouldn't get her hopes up that I would even pass the class.
It made me feel pretty lonely to be honest.
She was the only teacher in the school who taught this subject so I had no one else to talk to about my ability in class.

And I can honestly say that this is one of the times Legally Blonde really did motivate me to keep going.

Time and time again throughout the film, Elle does what everyone tells her she can't.
Perhaps most strikingly, she gets into Harvard Law School when Warner believed she wasn't intelligent enough to do it, leading to one of the most awesome dialogue exchanges in the movie...
"You got into Harvard Law?"
"What, like it's hard?"


Even when Callahan reveals to Elle that he only gave her the internship so that he'd have a chance to sleep with her, Vivian turns against her and everybody else (except Emmett) makes it clear that they don't believe in her skill as a lawyer, Elle doesn't give up.
Sure, she takes a moment to feel sad and cry a little but then she strides right back into court - wearing more pink and with more volume in her blonde hair than ever!

Elle's character exhibits that while it's always great to have people who believe in you (such as Margot, Serena, Emmett, Paulette and yes, even Bruiser), the only person you really need to believe in you is you.
If you're your number one advocate, no one can stop you.
And it's just like Elle says in her graduation speech ...


So thanks Elle, I got a C+ in Higher Level in that subject in the end!
That teacher was furious about it, it was great.

5. How To Be A Lady


Although these first four lessons are incredibly important to me, the thing Legally Blonde taught me most about is how to conduct yourself like a lady - and what it actually means to be a lady.

A lady is often thought to be the female equivalent of a gentleman. In other words, a lady is someone who is mannerly, civilized, gracious and holds a certain air of elegance around them.
As Oxford English dictionary puts it, a lady is often seen as "a courteous, decorous, or genteel woman" [source].


And I think Elle Woods is a prime example of all those things.

She's incredibly polite, practices impeccable manners and is kind towards everyone (even those who don't show her kindness in return). She brings muffins to a study meeting in hopes of joining the group but when she is told she's not smart enough, she simply says "oh, I'll just leave then" and makes her quiet, solemn exit.
When accused of calling a lesbian classmate a "dyke," she resolutely tells them that she doesn't "use that word" and that they must have heard it from someone else.
In Legally Blonde 2, Elle thanks Grace for being "generous" enough to offer to bring her to a hearing, even though Grace had just insulted her moments before.
No matter how cruel or unwelcoming others are to Elle, she never loses her dignified, ladylike composure.


Yup, that's right! Even when tricked into attending a casual college party in inappropriate costume, Elle still doesn't let that stop her from being a lady.
She strolls around the shindig in her Playboy bunny outfit, calling out friendly greetings to those around her and saying that she "just felt like dressing up!"

One short scene I absolutely love in Legally Blonde is when Elle comes across Vivian in the corridor.
At this point in the film, Vivian has been nothing but horrible and malicious to Elle. But rather than adding to the tension that exists between them, Elle instead continues acting like the lady she is.
She tells Vivian that she looks "very nice today" and when Vivian awkwardly thanks her, Elle graciously says "you're welcome" and continues going about her day.


Although she doesn't take insults and abuse lightly (usually rolling her eyes or continuing with what she was doing before), she also doesn't start any fights. Instead, Elle maintains a friendly and approachable attitude towards everybody.
Even in Legally Blonde 2 when everyone on Capitol Hill makes it clear that they don't care about Elle or her ideas, she constantly gives those in her office legal advice, attempts to get along with her co-workers and never gives up on the goodness of others.

However, we never get the impression from Elle that is trying to get others to like her - she doesn't grovel, she doesn't suck up, she doesn't beg for acceptance.
In place of that, she simply stays true to the affable, kind-hearted person she is and doesn't let anybody's malice towards her change that.
To put it simply, she remains a lady.

She is a lady who stays true to herself (ladies can wear sparkly blue bikinis too!), who knows she can do anything she puts her mind to, who cries when she needs to, who values her friends and who never lets the cruelty of others stop her from being a nice person.

I'm not ashamed to say that there's been a few times in my life where I've tried to be exactly the type of lady Elle Woods is!

~~~


And so ends my analysis of my favourite movie.
I've also seen the musical version of Legally Blonde on the West End and would most definitely recommend it to anyone who enjoys a fun musical with great messages and a fantastic soundtrack.


If you ask me, Legally Blonde is a film with plenty of important lessons to take away.
Apart from the five I listed here, there's lots of other reasons this movie stands out so much.

Plus, it's because of my constant watching and re-watching of this movie that I know what crime malum in se and crime malum prohibitum are, that you have to wait 24 hours after getting a perm to wash your hair and that if you're going to be a partner in a law firm by the time you're 30, you need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.



Wednesday, 8 July 2015

4 Horror Movies You Want To See & The Four I Recommend Instead

I am a big, big fan of the horror genre.
From slasher films to psychological thrillers to haunted house flicks to the good ol' black and white classics, I love them all.
I love how interesting they can be, the insights they can offer by looking at things in a different way, how innovative and original they can be and I love how much they can frighten me.
Some people don't understand it at all but just like a kid half-screaming half-laughing from a jump scare on Halloween, I love being afraid when I know there's no real danger.


However, horror films are a broad-ranging art form that have spawned a whole spectrum of sub-genres. With all that selection, it can be difficult to know what to pick and it can be easy to end up picking something terrible.
Believe me, it's happened to me enough times that I've turned on a horror film and the scariest thing that happened was that I wasted 2 hours of my life watching it.
Some people even think that the entire horror genre is cheesy and clichéd because they've had the misfortune of watching some really awful films.
But it's not, trust me, there's some amazing masterpieces of cinema out there.


From www.horroronscreen.com

Which brings me to the point of this blog post - recommendations!

I'd like to make the point right now that this entire blog post is opinion-based (my opinion to be exact) so they may not be to your own taste.
The films I don't speak highly of in this post are not necessarily bad films - it's just that I'd suggest watching something else, based on my own preferences.
I'll explain exactly why I'm recommending each film as we go so you know precisely what you're getting yourself in for, and can make an informed decision from there.
So, with that that in mind, let's proceed!

So let's get started - what type of horror film do you want to watch?

.

Option 1: I Want A Good Haunted House Film


What You May Want To See:
The Conjuring
(2013) or Insidious (2010).

What I Recommend Instead:

The Messengers
(2007) or The Haunting In Connecticut (2009).

Why Would I Do That?

I want to start off by saying that there's nothing particularly wrong with The Conjuring or Insidious. There's also nothing wrong with the countless films just like them.
And therein lies the problem.
Ever since The Amityville Horror was released to huge commercial success in 1979, many film studios have tried to replicate its appeal.


Behold: The original Insidious
And by "replicate," I literally mean replicate.
Switch on The Conjuring or Insidious and you'll immediately see a family moving into a new house for a fresh start. In The Conjuring, you'll also see a dog that senses evil before any of the humans do and a teenager who hates it that they've moved away from all her friends. In both films, you'll also see an innocent, vulnerable child who immediately becomes susceptible to paranormal goings-on and you'll see a professional being brought in to deal with the spooky situation.
These are massive clichés in the subgenre of haunted house horror films and usually if you see them within the first fifteen minutes of the movie, you can generally predict how the rest of the story is going to pan out.

Some people would argue with me, saying that these features aren't actually clichés but that they are traditional aspects in the movie type's formula and that a haunted house film without these details doesn't deserve a place in the subgenre.
Well, that's totally fair enough. But you can still think outside the box while staying within the formula.

Take The Haunting In Connecticut for example. Sure, you've got a family moving into a new house but it's not for a fresh start away from some familial inconvenience. It's due to the fact that the teenage son has cancer and this new house is closer to the hospital where he goes for chemotherapy sessions.
This detail adds to the plot because as the son's condition worsens, he becomes closer to the plane of death, giving him a legitimate reason to be the only one in the house seeing weird stuff happening.




Then you've got The Messengers. Turn it on and you'll immediately see a moody teenage daughter who's unhappy to be moving house.
But it turns out that her unhappiness is actually due to the fact that her parents no longer trust her, because of an incident where she had driven drunk with her younger brother in the car.
Just like with The Haunting In Connecticut, this adds to the plot because her parents not trusting her gives them an actual reason not to take their daughter's fear of the new house seriously - thinking she's just lying to them so they can move back home.



So there we have two haunted house films that fit into the formula without being too clichéd.
But the originality of both movies doesn't end there.
The Messengers has a fairly unpredictable plotline - as soon as you think you've figured it out, you're proven wrong. Similarly, halfway through The Haunting In Connecticut, I was sure I knew how things were going to end. But no, they took a different turn.

Both films also boast good jump scares, a talented cast of actors, great special effects and the feeling that you haven't just watched the seventy-ninth remake of The Amityville Horror.

.

Option 2: I Want A Good Found Footage Film


What You May Want To See:
The Devil Inside 
(2012) or Apartment 143 (2012).

What I Recommend Instead:

The Blair Witch Project 
(1999) or REC (2007).

Why Would I Do That?

The found footage genre has been around for a long time (as will be mentioned again in this post) but it became really popular again after The Blair Witch Project was met with critical acclaim upon its release.

First thing's first - if you haven't seen The Blair Witch Project, get on it. There's a reason that movie blew up like it did. As far as suspense goes, there's nothing like this one.
A lot of people say they find the ending unsatisfying but I think that's what makes the movie seem so real - the fact that they didn't capture everything on film, (they only captured enough to prove they weren't crazy) is much more believable than a found footage film where they manage to record every little detail.

Plus, the marketing done for this film was nothing short of brilliant
I definitely find it much more believable than a movie like The Devil Inside where they manage to capture every single detail - including a 2 second shot of an irrelevant blind nun who ended up on the movie poster, despite having nothing to do with the storyline in any way whatsoever.
The only shot you will see of the person that the film posters would lead
you to believe is a main character
Stuff like that really annoys me because it's part of the reason people think horror movies are stupid. Why put a random character on the poster if they're completely and totally inconsequential to the movie? Did you see the face of Cate Blanchett's cameo character on the poster for Hot Fuzz? No, you didn't, because that would be senseless. 

Moving away from the movie poster though, I just found both The Devil Inside and Apartment 143 to be incredibly boring. A lot of found footage films make the mistake of showing you every single moment the characters "caught" on tape and that's exactly what these two films do too.
They also offer no answers to any questions you might have about the plot, and Apartment 143 is one of those irritating films with a main character that continues not believing in ghosts long after it is sensible to do so.
For example, when your movie has the character see a ghost multiple times, witness many instances of supernatural activity and actually experience the apartment being savagely assaulted by said specter, it just isn't rational for them to still glance around their surroundings and say "nah, there has to be a more logical explanation for what levitated that girl and violently shoved me face-first into a wall."
If you want ghosts to be a believable phenomenon in your film, you need the humans in it to act believably too.

But don't lose all hope for the found footage genre yet. Like I said, The Blair Witch Project is awesome, and so is a horror film called REC that was made in Spain.
REC
was so successful in the Spanish-speaking world that the film was remade in the USA in 2008 as Quarantine.
But if you're going to watch one of them, I definitely recommend the original Spanish version (hope you don't mind subtitles!)



The best way to describe it is that REC is essentially everything I look for in the found footage genre.
It starts off as a convincing documentary series being made by two journalists with everything seeming very credible and real. That's what makes it so scary when the journalists find themselves trapped in a quarantined apartment building with no explanation given to them as to why they can't leave.
Eventually, they begin to put the pieces of the puzzle together by talking to the building's residents (who are just as confused and panicked by the situation as they are).
Because the cast of actors are so brilliant, the viewer is already feeling the same stress and alarm that the characters are going through.
Which means that it's absolutely terrifying when the crazy, paranormal stuff starts happening.

Both REC and The Blair Witch Project are cinematic masterpieces of suspense, tension and fear. They don't waste a second on any irrelevant extra footage, every moment is spent making sure you're eager and afraid for what's going to happen next.

.

Option 3: I Want A Good Psychological Horror Film


What You May Want To See:
Case 39 
(2009) or The Quiet Ones (2014).

What I Recommend Instead:

May 
(2003) or Excision (2012).

Why Would I Do That?


Psychological horror films deal with topics like mental illness, isolation, fear of the unknown, phobias, paranoia and the very mental side of fear.

Unfortunately, some filmmakers interpret this as "sacrifice everything for the sake of senseless drama."
That's essentially how The Quiet Ones can be summarised in my opinion. There's so many twists that the plot stops making sense fairly early on. The main inspiration for this movie seems to come from soaps on evening TV because nearly every word and action seems be focused on making melodrama rather than making sense.
A credible sequence of events, interesting character development and a coherent plotline are all cast aside in favour of pointless emotion and meaningless drama.

There's also not much to say about Case 39 unless you've always dreamt of watching a hallucinating Bridget Jones speed down a highway whilst screaming. Because that was literally the only worthwhile moment in a movie that tried to fill itself with as many "unexpected" dramatic surprises as humanly possible.

Instead of phoning another character in this scene, perhaps
Zellweger should have called her agent to have a serious chat 
But fear not - psychological films can be done exceptionally well too!
Angela Bettis received a cult following for her amazing performance in May, the story of an emotionally disturbed woman trying to find friends and a romantic partner.
(As a side note, the only worthwhile version of Carrie is the 2002 made-for-TV version that stars Bettis in the titular role. Seriously, she's the best Carrie you'll see outside of the one your imagination conjures up from the original novel).
The movie exposes how far loneliness can push the boundaries of one's sanity and there's also some interesting subtext about how people have a habit of trying to cling to their innocence when the loss of one's childhood can actually be a liberating experience.

Plus, creepy dolls.
The film is unique because it starts more like a drama about a lonely woman and then slowly morphs into the horror genre as May's desire to connect with others becomes more and more desperate.
It's also a must-see movie for anyone who enjoys a side of black comedy with their horror films. The movie switches between disturbing scenes and dark jokes so naturally that it draws you even deeper in to the strange world May creates.

The other psychological horror film I recommend is actually one of my favourite movies of all time. Excision is a brilliant portrayal of a young girl with severe mental issues that are not taken seriously.
In my point of view, AnnaLynne McCord is a modern-day horror queen (you should check out her incredible performance in Scorned as well) and her acting in this movie is nothing short of masterful.
In a very different telling of the traditional (and somewhat overdone) "teenage outcast" narrative, we meet Pauline - a genuinely good-natured but very mentally ill young woman whose grip on reality is unsteady at best.

                                 

As Pauline's mother scoffs at her daughter's insistence that she needs psychiatric help, the dream sequences that take place throughout the movie show how deeply disturbed Pauline's worsening mental state really is.
The climax of the movie is the perfect infusion of psychological horror and more conventional gore - as we're shown just how sick Pauline really is. 

.

Option 5: I Want Something More Extreme


What You May Want To See:
The Human Centipede
(2009).

What I Recommend Instead:

Cannibal Holocaust (1980).

Why Would I Do That?


Like so many horror fans of my generation, my attention was captured by the controversy and sheer disgust that The Human Centipede generated upon its release.
How could I not be curious about what was supposed to be the most offensive horror film of all time?
So I decided to give it a go.

And it was, without doubt, one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life (and that includes The Room).

To put it very simply, The Human Centipede is boring.
First off, it begins with one of the most overused clichés in horror films - the protagonists' car broke down and they need to go find a phone.
Please.
Apart from that, my main problem with this movie is that shock horror is only shocking if it's not in every single scene. For the entire movie, it's clear that the main objective of The Human Centipede is to appall and repulse you.
But to be honest, I got over how shocked and disgusted I was about a third of the way into the film. Then I was just bored.

Pictured: Boredom

Plus, nothing is explained, there's no motivation for the evil villain to be so evil, and the cinematography hurt my eyes.
If you're wondering, I did watch The Human Centipede 2 and found it to be just as uninteresting and trite. The use of gore was even more badly utilised in the second film. In fact, the use of a narrator might have been better, just to shout "isn't this gross?" at the audience every two seconds. As well as that, the cinematography was even more 
dull than its predecessor's (black and white was not a good choice for a movie that was already so monotonous).

As for the third one? I haven't seen it, but I'll leave its description up to a beautiful gem of a review I found on Rotten Tomatoes:

                                   

Anyway, if you really want to watch something more extreme that will affect you right down to your core, I think Cannibal Holocaust is your best bet.
It's just as gory as The Human Centipede but there's actual meaning to what's happening onscreen. Instead of being disgusting just for the sake of being disgusting, Cannibal Holocaust uses intense gore and carnage to paint a picture of how ignorant we can be in the western world about societies we don't know much about.
It's also includes scenes of found footage that director Ruggero Deodato thought would be an interesting alternative to more conventional flashback sequences.

                           

After an American film crew go missing in the Amazon rainforest whilst making a documentary, a rescue team is sent to find them (or, at least, find out what happened to them). At first, it seems that the indigenous people living in the rainforest have brutally murdered the documentary makers - but as events unfold, it becomes very clear that that is not the case.
Cannibal Holocaust does what all good art should do - it holds a mirror up to humanity and begs the question of who the real "savages" are.

Now, I must warn you: there are scenes of real animal cruelty in this movie that I always have to fast forward through when I rewatch it.
I think you can get censored versions of the movie now that don't include these scenes and if you're an animal lover like me, I'd definitely recommend trying to get your hands on one of those copies.
                                                 

The one thing I hate about this film is that a coatimundi (mistaken to be a muskrat in the movie), a large turtle, a tarantula, a snake, two squirrel monkeys and a pig really were killed for the sake of entertainment. None of these animals suffered but it's still not an excuse.
However, I should mention that Deodato has condemned his past actions, saying that "I was stupid to introduce animals."

Anyway, apart from that one thing, the film is a brilliantly disturbing and incredibly poignant piece of cinema with a very sharp message to deliver to its audience.
In conclusion, this movie offers you all the same gore and shock that The Human Centipede does, without completely wasting your time.

 ~~~I hope you've found something on this list that peaks your interest and - apart from that - happy watching!