7 Knock-Off Gifts You Can Buy This Christmas

As December rolls in and the hunt for presents for your loved ones begins, thousands upon thousands of knock-off brand items are belched off the assembly line and delivered to a retail outlet near you.

Whether they're bootlegs of real brands, cheap objects mass-produced in bulk or just plain confusing, I have compiled some of the very best knock-off gifts you can buy this Christmas for all those you hold dear.

1. A Snakes & Ladders Board Game

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Description:
What immediately drew my attention to this little guy was the fact that it seems to be a game of Snakes & Ladders featuring multi-coloured pawns.
The box proclaims the board to be beautiful, proving once and for all that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Furthermore, the fact that this board game comes with playing pieces is seen to be a "bonus," which literally tells you everything you need to know about this product and the company that manufactured it.
This company believes that supplying you with the correct apparatus to actually play the game is a bonus, not a necessity.
Let's just be grateful they don't make safety equipment for vehicles, selling you a seatbelt with a "bonus" buckle to prevent you from dying.
I never thought I'd say this but €2 actually seems pretty steep for this board game.
Who you should buy this for:
I feel this was made for small children who don't know better but, honestly, no kid is this stupid. Perhaps you should buy it for a kid as a "bonus" gift, while actually getting them something halfway decent at the same time.

2. Bootlego

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Description:
See what I did there? Lego + bootleg = Bootlego. Hilarious I know.
Anyway, this is literally just a bag of not trying.
Not only did this manufacturer completely rip off the Lego brand, but they also didn't make much effort to hide the fact that they did.
For instance, these "happy time" blocks are apparently made by Lele Brother.

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You know, the Lele Brother - the world famous toy brick producers who "rival" Lego. And completely ripped off their logo as well as their product.
Who you should buy this for:
If you're feeling particularly evil, you can buy this for an old, easily confused grandmother who will then excitedly give it to her grandkids on Christmas morning, genuinely believing that is real, authentic Lego.
Many moons later, when this old lady passes away, her grandchildren will fondly remember her with sentences like "yeah, Granny was OK. The cheap cow only ever bought us Lele Brother-brand bricks though."

3. Plastic Snake-Headed Cane

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Description:
Closely resembling a leftover Halloween accessory, this one-of-a-kind staff is almost definitely a leftover Halloween accessory.
What is most striking about this product is the fact that it holds the warning of being 14+, probably because the first 13 years of your life don't give you the sheer emotional maturity needed to wield a plastic walking stick.
Who you should buy this for:
A very strange 14-year-old.

4. A Projectile-Firing Toy Car

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Description:
This toy seems to be a hybrid of a delightful little car and a missile-launcher. There's also something weird going on with the wheels.
To me, this suggests that a toy company had lots of parts left over from various projects, and decided to combine them all in what they then dubbed the "Cartoon Super Truck."
It's a fitting name if you ask me - I definitely remember all cars from the cartoons I watched as a child being equipped with far-ranging missiles.
Who you should buy this for:
Someone who has a mighty need for a fuzzy-wheeled vehicle that is self-sufficient to protect itself from dangers. It's a big world - if you search around long enough, I'm sure you'll find somebody with those requirements.

5. Strong Heroes Action Figure

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Description:
This toy is special, in that it combines all your favourite patented action heroes and unites them as the Special Force Heroes, which I assume is a legion of elite champions who aim to fight crime and circumvent copyright claim. You'll find all the best superheroes on the box: Superman, Batman, Robin, Spider-Man and even Zorro, who looks even more surprised than you are by his presence on the packaging.
The toy itself seems to be Spider-Man and Venom fused together and abusing steroids. The box also claims it is "simulating a true style" which I can only assume is some style of avant-garde toy art.
Who you should buy this for:
The best use of this anomaly is to purchase it as a joke gift for your comic book collector friend. He might get a laugh out of the many familiar faces pain-stakingly researched for the box art on a Google Image search.

6. Array Of Plastic Vehicles & Such

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Description:
I'm not very familiar with Asian alphabets so I unfortunately can't translate what this is.
Using critical analysis though, I would hazard a guess that it is a variety of different city-themed objects, people and automobiles. I imagine these would be best-suited to a poorly constructed and off-colour city that doesn't give much of a shit about its own existence.
I'd say the biggest selling point is that (unlike with the snake-headed cane), this plastic product can be appreciated by anyone of the age of three and up.
But come on, who wouldn't appreciate that fine craftsmanship and attention to detail?

Excellence.

I don't know about you but to me, that looks like the shoddily-painted face of a police officer you can trust to take care of your city.
Who you should buy this for:
Someone very, very, very laidback who holds their presents to the same standard as a half-eaten sandwich that's been left on the living room table for more than three days.

7. ???

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Description:
I have no idea.
It looks to be a knock-off of one of those emoji pillows that have become popular recently.
However, it has the wrong eyes, bizarrely suggestive eyebrows and two red things that may in fact be the devil himself getting his claws into this thing to condemn it to hell.
Actually, scratch that.
As someone who has actually been accused of being the devil, I can say that Satan most likely has better taste than that.
Who you should buy this for:
Literally no one.


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So, with my reviews in mind, I daresay you can go on your next Christmas shopping trip knowing exactly what to get those you love.
As well as those you hate (get the poop pillow).

Happy shopping friends, and have a very merry Christmas and a joyous new year!

"Gary has been very bold this year ... he's getting a poop pillow for sure!"

Whoa, That Was Deep Man

I'm not going to address my spiritual beliefs in this post because I like to (for the most part) keep this blog light-hearted.

However, I will say that I see no need for street preachers with microphones, loudly bellowing up and down the road about how we're all sinners and are going straight to hell.
I have nothing but respect for the religious proponents like the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Muslims from Discover Islam who stand quietly in the street and wait for you to approach them, but I really don't appreciate zealots literally shouting in my face about how I'm a wicked woman destined to writhe painfully in hellfire.
Call me crazy, but I don't find it especially pleasant conversation.

Anyway, there's one particular man who often preaches in the city centre and has no problem yelling obscenities at people who he deems to be without virtue.
While I can usually ignore him, I got very annoyed one day when he screamed at a passing same-sex couple holding hands that God hated them and was waiting to torture them eternally in the afterlife.

As someone who went to Catholic school (and Jesus Camp, but that's a story for another day), I know my fair share of Bible verses so I calmly reminded this guy of Matthew 19:6 ("So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate").
This didn't faze the street preacher though, he just waved me away dismissively whilst saying "the devil can quote scripture."

Oh well. These people have an answer for everything and no matter how nasty they act, they'll have some sort of justification for it.

I forgot about the encounter but time passed and I ran into the same street preacher on a different day.
When I wouldn't take the flyer he was trying to shove into my hand, he shouted at me "the devil will destroy you!"
As I walked away, he then threw back his head and loudly serenaded me.
I can't remember exactly but the lyrics were something like "oh, look at her who has gone astray, I rejoice the day she'll burn in hell."
Lovely sentiment but I doubt it'll make the Billboard Hot 100 Chart.

Anyway, as I strolled down the street, I couldn't help but realize that the exact same man had now insinuated both that the devil was coming for me and that I myself was the devil.

So ... could this man have been trying to tell me that I am my own worst enemy, in that I am the one with the potential to destroy myself?
Was he making a deeply poignant and philosophical point about how life often makes it that the person most likely to hurt us is ... ourselves?

No. He wasn't.

The next time I saw him, he was literally screeching at a group of Muslim women for wearing hijabs, so I think it's pretty much crystal clear that this man is not a truth-seeking prophet but rather just an idiot and a hate-filled nutjob.

So (coming from him) I'm going to take the fact that I was called the devil as an extremely generous compliment.

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6 Things That Will Make You Feel Better

I don't know what's wrong with you. But please don't judge me for this - half the time, I don't know what's wrong with me either.

But I do know that whether it's an out-and-out existential crisis or your sandwich falling on the floor, humans are wired in such a way that certain things will undoubtedly make us feel better.

So, like a doctor who's not doing his job right, I'm not going to diagnose you.
But I am going to tell you some tricks that might make you feel better.

"I have no idea what's wrong with you but you'll be fine probably.
That'll be €75 please."

1. Sleep

You know that ancient proverb from the IT technician culture? It goes - "have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
Well, that works for humans too.

See, sleep isn't just that thing you pretend to do when a stranger with questionable motives is making eye contact with you on the bus. Sleep is also one of the main things that keep the brain functioning in a healthy and productive way.
As the great Stephen King once put it (might not be verbatim, it's been a while since I read Insomnia) "sleep is the best nurse mankind has ever known."
In other words, when you go night-night, your brain has an opportunity to cure whatever ails ya. As you slumber, things are being repaired that you didn't even know were broken.
It's why you can fall asleep with a headache and wake up without it, or why you're always prescribed plenty of rest when you're sick.
Sleep also lets our mind subconsciously mull over problems and dilemmas from the day before, which is why you can often wake up feeling more positive about yesterday's problems than you did when you went to bed.

Unfortunately, when something is wrong, we tend to neglect sleep.
Whether we think we can combat our problems by staying up later, we want to distract our brains with something, or we just can't get to sleep, bad times ruin our relationship with sleep.

"Sleep is for the weak! I want another cat video!"

But sleep is critically important. Your CPU has to shut down and restart, remember?
How's it going to do that if you wander to the weird side of YouTube and start questioning everything you ever knew about the mysterious presence of the Babushka Lady at JFK's assassination? (Spoiler alert: It was an alien. Apparently. According to one video on YouTube anyway).

So, you have to find a balance.
If you just can't get to sleep at night, don't worry. The more you worry about it, the less sleep you'll get the next time around. The worst thing that can happen as a result is that you'll be tired the next day - that's all.
Are you stressed about the workload you have pressing on your shoulders?
Don't pull an all-nighter - go to bed earlier than usual, and get up earlier than usual.
Can you just not sleep at night but you're constantly tired?
Grab a quick nap if you can - 45-90 minutes is optimum napping time!
Do you find that you can get to sleep OK but then keep waking up in the night?
Cut out any and all sugar and caffeine after 6pm - it'll help your brain wind down.

2. Exercise & Eat Right

Ew. That heading looks icky.
But, as much as I hate to admit it when I'm really craving some chocolate cake, healthy foods and exercise do a lot for your mental health.

Wow, I can't believe I just said that.
If I didn't know much better, I'd say I'm becoming an adult.

The horror.

A jog or a quick workout sends endorphins firing into your brain. Plenty of endorphins are always welcome - especially during bad times.
Similarly, eating healthy, sensible-sized meals will make your body happier, thus making you happier too.

It doesn't mean you have to starve yourself or take every last opportunity as a chance to go sprinting, but cutting back on sugar, carbs, fat, salt, alcohol, caffeine and sodium for a few days will dramatically increase your mood.
Exercise does the same - while it might be difficult to psyche yourself up for it, you always feel better afterwards.

And then you can reward yourself with brownies and pizza - or brownie-pizza.
Which is a thing now.
2015 is weird.

3. Do Things You Like To Do

'Wow Aimee,' I hear you cry in shock. 'Doing things I like to do will make me happy?'
Yes, you smartass, it sounds obvious but when we're feeling down or caught up with work or bogged down by responsibilities, we often push our hobbies and interests to the side in an effort to confront the problems head-on.

Well, one way to confront them most effectively is to do it while genuinely cheerful. Yeah, sometimes things suck and it can be hard to feel cheerful at all but I'm not saying you need to be totally and completely contented with every facet of your life - you just need a boost.

You are not limited to the box.
You can partake in pursuits outside the box.

At the end of the day, "prioritising" doesn't just mean making time for everything you have to get done - it means making time for things you enjoy doing too.
If you spend every day working your fingers to the bone and not doing anything you actually think is entertaining, don't be surprised if you start to feel pretty terrible.
You're not a machine - you need a portion of each day where you can read a book or sew a tapestry or fly remote-control airplanes or watch TV or whatever it is you like to occupy your free time with.
Even just a little bit of fun can improve your mood dramatically so it might be time to reorganise your schedule to include some playtime.

4. Ask For Help

I'm really bad at asking for help - it's just something I have a huge mental block to.
I'll often start messages to people with "sorry to be asking" or "apologies for needing your help" and I'm usually embarrassed to request some type of support off the same person more than once a decade.
I think a lot of stigma exists around the idea of needing a bit of assistance - we think we're weak if we can't do something on our own but, to be honest, that's not true at all.

This came up as the stock image for "asking for help."
I don't why it did, but I love this picture so much.

Being independent doesn't mean you don't need anyone else ever. It means that you can exist without leeching off of other people and without needing others to do things for you all the time.
It does not mean you won't ever need somebody to lend a hand once in a while when things get rough.

Life is hard. This is something that's said to us as kids, before we even understand what life essentially is. As we grow older, we realize that (unlike with Santa and the Tooth Fairy) they weren't lying to us. Life is really, really hard.
So, naturally, sometimes you're going to need some help.Sometimes you'll need to get someone to give you a hand in lifting something heavy, sometimes you'll need to go to your go to your boss and say you don't understand what's going on, sometimes you'll need to go to your bank and say you need a loan, sometimes you'll need to go to the people you trust and get some advice on an issue you don't know how to fix, sometimes you'll need to go to your college lecturer and say you don't know where you went wrong in your essay, and sometimes (whatever the context) you'll just need to swallow your pride and say "hey, I need some help over here."
Asking for help when you need it is something I've really come to value recently, and I'm trying to make myself do it more.
No matter how prepared and self-sufficient you are, things will undoubtedly spring up that you can't handle all by yourself.
Life might be hard - they said that.
But they never said you'd have to do it alone.

5. Talk

Yes, you could say this also falls under the "Ask For Help" heading but it's so important that I thought it deserved its own separate category.

Seriously, I can't stress the importance of this one enough ...
Talking. Is. Key.

"I really feel we should talk about all these spirals
that show up every time we decide to do something. It's
almost as if we're copyrighted or in the public domain or something."

If you mull something over and over in your head, you start to obsess over it and you especially start to obsess over all its negative aspects.
Saying a problem out loud lets you analyse it more coherently, and it also lets whoever you're talking to weigh in on the matter and offer their own viewpoint (which may very well be something you wouldn't have thought of before).
Solitary rumination usually leads to you becoming engrossed in the issue to the point of despair.
Talking about it will let you think more clearly, particularly if you have somebody else's opinion on the matter too.

Furthermore, it's good to talk in general.
If you're feeling low, you should make sure to touch base with your friends, your family and the people you care about. You don't necessarily have to discuss what's bothering you, you can just hang out and chat to take your mind off things and lift your spirits.
Staying social during the harder times in your life will stop you feeling isolated, and it'll let you have some fun and feel happy - despite the screaming in your soul.

 

"Dude, this thing on your iPad is totally distracting
me from the chasm of melancholy that is my life!"

If you find yourself in a situation where you're not really sure if you can talk to anyone in your life right now, you can pick up the phone and talk to the good folks at 1Life instead.

Or e-mail them at info@1life.ie.

Whatever you decide to do, just don't keep quiet when things are bad.
As an old friend of mine used to say, "when it comes to pain, silence is just not necessary."

6. Know That This Is Only Temporary

I think four of the most comforting words in the English language are "this too shall pass."
Nothing lasts forever, that's a well-known fact. Negative or positive, everything in the world is constantly changing and always in flux.

Literally nothing is permanent - which is a difficulty and a relief and a blessing and a burden and a comforting notion and a terrifying thought all at once.

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If everything that makes you happy feels like it's slipping away, don't worry - it'll all come back to you.
If something's happened that is irreversible and will never come back to you, you still shouldn't worry - the human psyche is flexible and you can re-adjust to living your life with whatever changes in it that might have taken place.

Alternatively, if everything feels like it's tumbling down on top of you, don't worry about that either - those problems will be fixed and remedied in due time.
Your ability to handle problems and emotions is consistently improving (even when you feel like it isn't) so every day, whether you notice it or not, it all gradually gets a little easier.

Things won't always be this way and you won't always feel this bad.

So hang on pal, this too shall pass. :)

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In the meantime, while things are passing, feel free to check out some of these links ...

- YourMentalHealth (run by the HSE)
- The Mental Health Foundation (operates mainly in the UK)
- Bereaved.ie (run by The Hospice Foundation)
- 26 Ways To Reduce Homesickness
- 5 Reasons Life Actually Does Get Better (a brilliant article by John Cheese)
- 10 Things To Be Grateful For
- Aware.ie (provides information about depression)
- Safe Ireland (provides support for dealing with domestic violence & abuse)
- StudentFinance.ie
- CultEducation.com (provides advice for dealing with family members involved in cults)
- Guide to Stress Management
- Anger Management Counselling
- LifeRing Ireland (alcohol & addiction recovery group)