As we make room for a new calender on the wall, the conclusion of 2012 comes with two prospects...a possible apocalypse and a definite Christmas season.
While the end of the world is not for certain, we will definitely see many features this December that closely resemble that of an Armageddon. These include but are no means limited to...
- Panicked crowds running around in frantic circles
- Mass obtainment of many items that would be deemed useless at any other time of year
- Fights breaking out over food (especially chocolate)
- Families coming together and then quickly realizing WHY it is they stay apart
- Hysteria. Lots and lots of hysteria
If you are one of those cheery, easy-going people who never experiences a spec of stress at Christmastime, you're probably better off if you stop reading now.
But if you are slightly more cynical about obnoxious singing Santas, extreme materialism, "must-have" crap and tacky plastic snowmen, I encourage you to read on...
First off, I'd like to start by saying that I am not an X-mas hater. When I was growing up, I was nothing short of the Christmas kid. It was my favourite time of year, no question. I begged my parents to take the decorations down as early as possible, I made more decorations myself, I wrote my letter to Santa shortly after Halloween, I would count down the days until Christmas morn on an advent calender and I tried my best to get everyone in the spirit of the season. Even now, I love walking down Henry Street when it's illuminated by glowing silver lights, I like turkey with stuffing and, to a certain extent, I even enjoy the community feel one gets wandering around shopping centres in December when Christmas carols are blaring and everyone is dressed up in their winter best. It's just all the little bits I dislike...the pushy women barging past you to get to the particularly ugly vase in the back, the tricks of shops to get you to pay more and get less, the pressure to buy poignant gifts for everybody you love and the sheer stress of trying to navigate city streets during the Christmas season.
Let's start with the way people act around Christmas. Calling it the "season of goodwill" is very fucking ironic when there are people out there who will literally push you over and stamp on your neck to get an iPhone before you do. Seriously, have you ever seen the way people are when it's the time to purchase presents? If not, let me inform you with a personal anecdote...
Several years ago, I made the colossal mistake of going to TK Max on Christmas Eve. Yes, you read that right and yes, that last sentence does scream with oncoming disaster. I don't remember much (my brain has probably blocked it out in order to protect me) but I do remember cowering in a corner while things literally got yanked off the shelves and thrown at the poor, unfortunate cashiers. I recall that the shelves were mostly empty, apart from a few stray items which were being preyed on by groups of barbarians.
At one point I turned around and looked at a shoe, looked at it, and a woman pounced in front of me, yelling "no, that's mine!!!!" in my face before snatching up the blue slipper and running to the checkout.
While I left the shop feeling slightly traumatised, I really do hope that woman's loved one enjoyed his slipper.
I'm also hoping she bought him a full pair the next year.
Then there's the pressure to buy your loved ones presents that are totally fantastic and original as well as completely meaningful to your relationship with the person in question. This is something I have a major problem with because think about it...you're not buying gifts because you want to, you're buying gifts because the time of year dictates that you have to. Meaningful my French poodle...
The concept of it irks me. Unless you are expressively told by your friends and family what they want, you will spend many unpleasant hours trekking around different shops, staring blankly at the things that are for sale and wondering why it's either all crap or all so ridiculously expensive. And even if you do manage to buy something perfect, you will have to carefully wrap it, attach a card, shove it under the tree and then only enjoy a brief interlude of happiness before having to brave the elements to repeat the process for another of your dear ones.
The Christmas advertisements do not help either. For example, every ad on TV that you see reflects the same jovial idea of gift-giving...
- The children buy their dad a "hilarious" light-up tie which he laughs uproariously at.
- Parents buy their child a large teddy bear that the kid hugs joyously.
- The dopey boyfriend buys his girlfriend a silly present but she laughs it off and hugs him.
This is not helpful simply because it is not realistic. If you actually carry out these actions, here are the probable repercussions...
- The dad will be pissed off that he gave his children the money they used to buy all their presents and all he got was some stupid novelty shit.
- A plush teddy bear filled with sentiment is not the same as an extravagant remote-controlled racecar, a Barbie dream house or a game console. The child will NOT be impressed.
- The dopey boyfriend can expect his relationship status on Facebook to change...quickly. Which is exactly what he deserves for being an idiot.
My favourite ridiculous seasonal TV ad at the moment has to be for Christmas cards where the creepy voiceover woman reminds us all that "everything you meant to say to everyone all year comes down to this." Really? Seriously? OK then...
Dear Ray,
Merry Christmas. You still owe me money from July you bastard.
Peace,
Aimee
...or maybe...
Dear Michaela,
Happy Christmas! By the way, I don't like you. We are only friends because we hang out with the same people but really, I don't have much time for your constant shit-stirring.
Peace,
AimeeWill that work?In all seriousness though, I will try hard to get my loved ones good presents at Christmas...unless they piss me off. In that case, they're getting socks.Hahaha...Only kidding!
Sort of...
Christmas day itself can be fun. Except for the cabin fever.
By the time Christmas morning rolls around, the family has been together for a few days and tensions are running high (similar to the way they tend to do in The Big Brother House). Sibling rivalry is at an extreme level, you realize that the majority of your cousins aren't actually pleasant people, your creepiest distant relative is being especially creepy and everybody is annoyed at everybody else for something.
All I can say is thank God for chocolate.
There are many other things I could talk about in this post but to be honest, I don't want to be too much of a Grinch. Christmas can be good fun, what with selection boxes, candy canes, good presents and a festive atmosphere that just seems to make everyone happy. It's nice to have the whole family together as well because, once you're done driving each other crazy, you can all settle down with a box of Cadbury's Heroes and watch the cheesiest movie you own. Plus, without the little annoyances, Christmas day wouldn't seem like such an achievement when you finally make it to opening presents under the tree.
So overall? It's not that bad. :)
But if any of you buy me gloves, you're getting a smack.
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