As we make room for a new calender on the wall, the conclusion of 2012 comes with two prospects...a possible apocalypse and a definite Christmas season.
While the end of the world is not for certain, we will definitely see many features this December that closely resemble that of an Armageddon. These include but are no means limited to...
- Panicked crowds running around in frantic circles
- Mass obtainment of many items that would be deemed useless at any other time of year
- Fights breaking out over food (especially chocolate)
- Families coming together and then quickly realizing WHY it is they stay apart
- Hysteria. Lots and lots of hysteria
If you are one of those cheery, easy-going people who never experiences a spec of stress at Christmastime, you're probably better off if you stop reading now.
But if you are slightly more cynical about obnoxious singing Santas, extreme materialism, "must-have" crap and tacky plastic snowmen, I encourage you to read on...
First off, I'd like to start by saying that I am not an X-mas hater. When I was growing up, I was nothing short of the Christmas kid. It was my favourite time of year, no question. I begged my parents to take the decorations down as early as possible, I made more decorations myself, I wrote my letter to Santa shortly after Halloween, I would count down the days until Christmas morn on an advent calender and I tried my best to get everyone in the spirit of the season. Even now, I love walking down Henry Street when it's illuminated by glowing silver lights, I like turkey with stuffing and, to a certain extent, I even enjoy the community feel one gets wandering around shopping centres in December when Christmas carols are blaring and everyone is dressed up in their winter best. It's just all the little bits I dislike...the pushy women barging past you to get to the particularly ugly vase in the back, the tricks of shops to get you to pay more and get less, the pressure to buy poignant gifts for everybody you love and the sheer stress of trying to navigate city streets during the Christmas season.
Let's start with the way people act around Christmas. Calling it the "season of goodwill" is very fucking ironic when there are people out there who will literally push you over and stamp on your neck to get an iPhone before you do. Seriously, have you ever seen the way people are when it's the time to purchase presents? If not, let me inform you with a personal anecdote...
Several years ago, I made the colossal mistake of going to TK Max on Christmas Eve. Yes, you read that right and yes, that last sentence does scream with oncoming disaster. I don't remember much (my brain has probably blocked it out in order to protect me) but I do remember cowering in a corner while things literally got yanked off the shelves and thrown at the poor, unfortunate cashiers. I recall that the shelves were mostly empty, apart from a few stray items which were being preyed on by groups of barbarians.
At one point I turned around and looked at a shoe, looked at it, and a woman pounced in front of me, yelling "no, that's mine!!!!" in my face before snatching up the blue slipper and running to the checkout.
While I left the shop feeling slightly traumatised, I really do hope that woman's loved one enjoyed his slipper.
I'm also hoping she bought him a full pair the next year.
Then there's the pressure to buy your loved ones presents that are totally fantastic and original as well as completely meaningful to your relationship with the person in question. This is something I have a major problem with because think about it...you're not buying gifts because you want to, you're buying gifts because the time of year dictates that you have to. Meaningful my French poodle...
The concept of it irks me. Unless you are expressively told by your friends and family what they want, you will spend many unpleasant hours trekking around different shops, staring blankly at the things that are for sale and wondering why it's either all crap or all so ridiculously expensive. And even if you do manage to buy something perfect, you will have to carefully wrap it, attach a card, shove it under the tree and then only enjoy a brief interlude of happiness before having to brave the elements to repeat the process for another of your dear ones.
The Christmas advertisements do not help either. For example, every ad on TV that you see reflects the same jovial idea of gift-giving...
- The children buy their dad a "hilarious" light-up tie which he laughs uproariously at.
- Parents buy their child a large teddy bear that the kid hugs joyously.
- The dopey boyfriend buys his girlfriend a silly present but she laughs it off and hugs him.
This is not helpful simply because it is not realistic. If you actually carry out these actions, here are the probable repercussions...
- The dad will be pissed off that he gave his children the money they used to buy all their presents and all he got was some stupid novelty shit.
- A plush teddy bear filled with sentiment is not the same as an extravagant remote-controlled racecar, a Barbie dream house or a game console. The child will NOT be impressed.
- The dopey boyfriend can expect his relationship status on Facebook to change...quickly. Which is exactly what he deserves for being an idiot.
My favourite ridiculous seasonal TV ad at the moment has to be for Christmas cards where the creepy voiceover woman reminds us all that "everything you meant to say to everyone all year comes down to this." Really? Seriously? OK then...
Dear Ray,
Merry Christmas. You still owe me money from July you bastard.
Peace,
Aimee
...or maybe...
Dear Michaela,
Happy Christmas! By the way, I don't like you. We are only friends because we hang out with the same people but really, I don't have much time for your constant shit-stirring.
Peace,
AimeeWill that work?In all seriousness though, I will try hard to get my loved ones good presents at Christmas...unless they piss me off. In that case, they're getting socks.Hahaha...Only kidding!
Sort of...
Christmas day itself can be fun. Except for the cabin fever.
By the time Christmas morning rolls around, the family has been together for a few days and tensions are running high (similar to the way they tend to do in The Big Brother House). Sibling rivalry is at an extreme level, you realize that the majority of your cousins aren't actually pleasant people, your creepiest distant relative is being especially creepy and everybody is annoyed at everybody else for something.
All I can say is thank God for chocolate.
There are many other things I could talk about in this post but to be honest, I don't want to be too much of a Grinch. Christmas can be good fun, what with selection boxes, candy canes, good presents and a festive atmosphere that just seems to make everyone happy. It's nice to have the whole family together as well because, once you're done driving each other crazy, you can all settle down with a box of Cadbury's Heroes and watch the cheesiest movie you own. Plus, without the little annoyances, Christmas day wouldn't seem like such an achievement when you finally make it to opening presents under the tree.
So overall? It's not that bad. :)
But if any of you buy me gloves, you're getting a smack.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Learning The Ropes
Back in October 2009, my friends Angus and Seán and I got jobs working at a Halloween haunted house in County Meath. Even though it was for kids, the area was really well set-up and the artwork had been done by a professional so it was pretty damn scary. The whole place was rigged with ropes and levers so stuff was liable to jump out at you and help you to void your bowels at any time.
Angus, Seán and I had many jobs to do in the haunted house, from leading tour groups around to fixing the props into place. One job we took turns at was pulling a rope in the graveyard's control room that caused a skeleton to burst out of a coffin and rise menacingly up in the air. Yeah, you read that right. That haunted house was pretty bad ass...
Anyway, one evening a woman came to the haunted house with her two young kids. Within five minutes of arriving, one of them was running haphazardly through the main office and the other was randomly punching and kicking a wall. This is to be expected from young children so no one panicked and everybody just patiently waited for their mother to instruct them to stop.
That's when it became evident that their mother was one of the contemporary "my-children-must-never-be-yelled-at-as-they-are-only-expressing-themselves" parents. So she simply smiled proudly at her offspring as one of her sons creatively began rocking back and forth on an office swivel chair and her other son expressed his anger at society by stealing sweets from some other parent's bag.
The younger son also made it clear from pretty early on that he was a kicker. Every worker at the haunted house was dressed all in black and since the mother had taught her child to be an inventive little fiend, he decided that the people who were wearing all black were "Halloween monsters" who should be fiercely and relentlessly kicked.
The next hour or so was characterised by the little ogre yelling his head off, his mother laughing with sheer pride and the sensation of aching shins.
When the tour group they were with had finished going around and were busy colouring pictures and constructing things out of glue in the activity room, Angus, Seán and I went to hang out in the graveyard until we had to tend to the next group. We were just sitting around, drinking cans of Sprite and eating Halloween candy, when we heard the sound of someone coming towards us.
We also heard the sound of a child screaming happily while his negligent mother chuckled fondly at his antics.
"It was so nice of you to lead us around this part of the haunted house again," the mother was saying sweetly. "They both just loved the graveyard!"
"No problem," one of our fellow workers replied. "They were both really excited about coming back in here!"
Poor guy. I felt his pain as if it was in my own shins...
Angus, Seán and I looked at each other in alarm. We gathered up our cans and wrappers, threw them behind a plywood gravestone, ducked under the neon light and ran for the exit.
"Wait!" Angus hissed. "Someone needs to pull the rope!"
"Yeah, you're right," Seán answered. "And we need somebody to be the demon as well."
Let me explain...The "demon" was a guy who dressed up in a grim reaper costume with a freaky mask and skeletal hands and jumped out of the graveyard's crypt to scare the groups that came through. We had a main guy to be the demon but Angus, Seán and I had taken turns playing the part too.
The group were coming closer so we had to act fast.
Somewhere in the confusion it was decided that I would be the demon although I never remember agreeing to this. Seán threw the cloak over me, Angus shoved on my gloves and it looked like I was all set...except that we couldn't find the mask.
"Shit!" Angus whispered as the three of us searched frantically for it and the footsteps of the group came closer. In a few moments, they would round the corner and see us. We looked everywhere and I'll never forget the sensation of trying to locate a Halloween mask while wearing a cloak that someone else had been sweating furiously in a mere hour earlier.
It ain't pleasant.
"We'll just have to leave it!" Seán decided.
"Leave it?" I hissed. "Without that mask I'm just Aimee in a black poncho! How is that scary???"
"Eh..."
The sounds of their feet on the ground got closer, feet that would soon be kicking us all...
The three of us exchanged looks of panic and then dived behind a black curtain into the control room.
That would have been fine except that the control room was designed for one person and we were all crammed in there together.
Squashed together in the dark, I suddenly found myself relating to and sympathising with tins of sardines. Poor little fishes...
We could hear the group close by us in the graveyard now. Seán put his hands on the rope, ready to pull, and Angus and I waited with baited breath.
But then I noticed something.
The gloves that I was wearing had light-up fingertips and I realized that they had all burned out except the one on the index finger on my right hand.
I looked at my glove, I looked at Seán standing beside me. The comedic opportunity was too great to pass up...
"Elliot," I said to Seán in my best E.T. impression as I extended my glowing finger to his forehead. "Be good."
Don't judge me, being funny is all I've got. Seán turned around and instantly saw that something had snapped within me and I had reached a new level of psychosis."Aimee, shut up!" he pleaded.Angus also put a hand on my shoulder and shushed me. I turned around and looked at him innocently."E.T. phone home?" I inquired, showing him my finger.Angus snorted with laughter. So did Seán. I grinned too, my purpose in life being fulfilled for the night."Hey, what was that?" the little boy suddenly shouted from outside.
The three of us froze in fear. I put my hand behind my back.
Unless E.T. wanted a pair of fractured shins, E.T. would shut the hell up now...
The kicker's attention quickly went to something else so Angus, Seán and I let out sighs of relief and went back to being quiet.
"All I have to do is wait for them to get near enough the exit and I'll pull the rope," Seán whispered to us. "Then we just wait for them to leave and we can get out of here."
"Sounds good," I whispered back and Angus gave the thumbs-up.
I smiled. This fiasco was nearly over.
Seán was holding onto the rope, ready and waiting to pull. In the dim darkness, I followed the trail of the rope with my eyes and saw that it had come away from the metal clasp above the control room.
That's weird, I remember thinking. We'll have to fix that later. Will it still work alright now?
Squinting through the darkness (never rely on neon lighting for following the paths of ropes, trust me), I suddenly made a shocking discovery. The rope had come loose, had dipped into the control room......and was now wrapped around my neck.
The group were so close to the control room now that they would have heard a pin drop in there. I grabbed at the rope around my neck and desperately started whispering to the man whose hands my life was in.
"Seán! Seán! Seán!"
"Shh Aimee, we're almost done!" Seán murmured.
"No, Seán, I-"
"Shh!"
"But Seán-"
"Shh!"
The group were getting closer. Seán pulled on the rope slightly and it tightened around my neck.
I think Angus might have seen my struggling with my neck but, being my closest friend, he was used to my flights of madness and probably just wrote it off as "Aimee working on a new dance."
That was when I frenetically began treating Seán's back the way a cat treats a scratching post.
He pulled on it faintly again and the rope squeezed my neck harder.
My hands went up to the rope, fastened around it and I accepted my fate. I saw a bright light in a tunnel with my Aunt Bethany standing at the end of it.
I had never liked her so I decided to try and save my own life one last time.
"Seán," I rasped. "Whatever you do, don't pull the rope!!!"
Seán turned around, clearly exasperated by my shenanigans, and gasped.
"Oh my God!" he cried and immediately let go of the rope.
"Thank you!" I choked as Seán and Angus both rushed to untangle me from my doom.
We didn't bother with making the skeleton jump out of the casket after that. The fun Halloween prank just didn't seem worth a human life...
We waited for the group to leave and then rushed right out of the graveyard.
As I stood in the courtyard outside the haunted house, wearing a flickering alien hand and covered in somebody else's sweat, I muttered one thing out loud.
"Sorry Aunt Bethany, maybe next time..."
"What?" Angus asked me.
"Nothing," I said. "Let's go get some more chocolate. I think we've earned it."
And so we strolled away from the graveyard, shins, necks and dignities all in tact.
Angus, Seán and I had many jobs to do in the haunted house, from leading tour groups around to fixing the props into place. One job we took turns at was pulling a rope in the graveyard's control room that caused a skeleton to burst out of a coffin and rise menacingly up in the air. Yeah, you read that right. That haunted house was pretty bad ass...
Anyway, one evening a woman came to the haunted house with her two young kids. Within five minutes of arriving, one of them was running haphazardly through the main office and the other was randomly punching and kicking a wall. This is to be expected from young children so no one panicked and everybody just patiently waited for their mother to instruct them to stop.
That's when it became evident that their mother was one of the contemporary "my-children-must-never-be-yelled-at-as-they-are-only-expressing-themselves" parents. So she simply smiled proudly at her offspring as one of her sons creatively began rocking back and forth on an office swivel chair and her other son expressed his anger at society by stealing sweets from some other parent's bag.
The younger son also made it clear from pretty early on that he was a kicker. Every worker at the haunted house was dressed all in black and since the mother had taught her child to be an inventive little fiend, he decided that the people who were wearing all black were "Halloween monsters" who should be fiercely and relentlessly kicked.
The next hour or so was characterised by the little ogre yelling his head off, his mother laughing with sheer pride and the sensation of aching shins.
When the tour group they were with had finished going around and were busy colouring pictures and constructing things out of glue in the activity room, Angus, Seán and I went to hang out in the graveyard until we had to tend to the next group. We were just sitting around, drinking cans of Sprite and eating Halloween candy, when we heard the sound of someone coming towards us.
We also heard the sound of a child screaming happily while his negligent mother chuckled fondly at his antics.
"It was so nice of you to lead us around this part of the haunted house again," the mother was saying sweetly. "They both just loved the graveyard!"
"No problem," one of our fellow workers replied. "They were both really excited about coming back in here!"
Poor guy. I felt his pain as if it was in my own shins...
Angus, Seán and I looked at each other in alarm. We gathered up our cans and wrappers, threw them behind a plywood gravestone, ducked under the neon light and ran for the exit.
"Wait!" Angus hissed. "Someone needs to pull the rope!"
"Yeah, you're right," Seán answered. "And we need somebody to be the demon as well."
Let me explain...The "demon" was a guy who dressed up in a grim reaper costume with a freaky mask and skeletal hands and jumped out of the graveyard's crypt to scare the groups that came through. We had a main guy to be the demon but Angus, Seán and I had taken turns playing the part too.
The group were coming closer so we had to act fast.
Somewhere in the confusion it was decided that I would be the demon although I never remember agreeing to this. Seán threw the cloak over me, Angus shoved on my gloves and it looked like I was all set...except that we couldn't find the mask.
"Shit!" Angus whispered as the three of us searched frantically for it and the footsteps of the group came closer. In a few moments, they would round the corner and see us. We looked everywhere and I'll never forget the sensation of trying to locate a Halloween mask while wearing a cloak that someone else had been sweating furiously in a mere hour earlier.
It ain't pleasant.
"We'll just have to leave it!" Seán decided.
"Leave it?" I hissed. "Without that mask I'm just Aimee in a black poncho! How is that scary???"
"Eh..."
The sounds of their feet on the ground got closer, feet that would soon be kicking us all...
The three of us exchanged looks of panic and then dived behind a black curtain into the control room.
That would have been fine except that the control room was designed for one person and we were all crammed in there together.
Squashed together in the dark, I suddenly found myself relating to and sympathising with tins of sardines. Poor little fishes...
We could hear the group close by us in the graveyard now. Seán put his hands on the rope, ready to pull, and Angus and I waited with baited breath.
But then I noticed something.
The gloves that I was wearing had light-up fingertips and I realized that they had all burned out except the one on the index finger on my right hand.
I looked at my glove, I looked at Seán standing beside me. The comedic opportunity was too great to pass up...
"Elliot," I said to Seán in my best E.T. impression as I extended my glowing finger to his forehead. "Be good."
Don't judge me, being funny is all I've got. Seán turned around and instantly saw that something had snapped within me and I had reached a new level of psychosis."Aimee, shut up!" he pleaded.Angus also put a hand on my shoulder and shushed me. I turned around and looked at him innocently."E.T. phone home?" I inquired, showing him my finger.Angus snorted with laughter. So did Seán. I grinned too, my purpose in life being fulfilled for the night."Hey, what was that?" the little boy suddenly shouted from outside.
The three of us froze in fear. I put my hand behind my back.
Unless E.T. wanted a pair of fractured shins, E.T. would shut the hell up now...
The kicker's attention quickly went to something else so Angus, Seán and I let out sighs of relief and went back to being quiet.
"All I have to do is wait for them to get near enough the exit and I'll pull the rope," Seán whispered to us. "Then we just wait for them to leave and we can get out of here."
"Sounds good," I whispered back and Angus gave the thumbs-up.
I smiled. This fiasco was nearly over.
Seán was holding onto the rope, ready and waiting to pull. In the dim darkness, I followed the trail of the rope with my eyes and saw that it had come away from the metal clasp above the control room.
That's weird, I remember thinking. We'll have to fix that later. Will it still work alright now?
Squinting through the darkness (never rely on neon lighting for following the paths of ropes, trust me), I suddenly made a shocking discovery. The rope had come loose, had dipped into the control room......and was now wrapped around my neck.
The group were so close to the control room now that they would have heard a pin drop in there. I grabbed at the rope around my neck and desperately started whispering to the man whose hands my life was in.
"Seán! Seán! Seán!"
"Shh Aimee, we're almost done!" Seán murmured.
"No, Seán, I-"
"Shh!"
"But Seán-"
"Shh!"
The group were getting closer. Seán pulled on the rope slightly and it tightened around my neck.
I think Angus might have seen my struggling with my neck but, being my closest friend, he was used to my flights of madness and probably just wrote it off as "Aimee working on a new dance."
That was when I frenetically began treating Seán's back the way a cat treats a scratching post.
He pulled on it faintly again and the rope squeezed my neck harder.
My hands went up to the rope, fastened around it and I accepted my fate. I saw a bright light in a tunnel with my Aunt Bethany standing at the end of it.
I had never liked her so I decided to try and save my own life one last time.
"Seán," I rasped. "Whatever you do, don't pull the rope!!!"
Seán turned around, clearly exasperated by my shenanigans, and gasped.
"Oh my God!" he cried and immediately let go of the rope.
"Thank you!" I choked as Seán and Angus both rushed to untangle me from my doom.
We didn't bother with making the skeleton jump out of the casket after that. The fun Halloween prank just didn't seem worth a human life...
We waited for the group to leave and then rushed right out of the graveyard.
As I stood in the courtyard outside the haunted house, wearing a flickering alien hand and covered in somebody else's sweat, I muttered one thing out loud.
"Sorry Aunt Bethany, maybe next time..."
"What?" Angus asked me.
"Nothing," I said. "Let's go get some more chocolate. I think we've earned it."
And so we strolled away from the graveyard, shins, necks and dignities all in tact.
Toilet Friends
Back in 2009 when I was just fifteen going on sixteen, I went to an Oasis concert in Slane Castle with my dad. While I predominantly remember it as a fantastic show put on by one of my all-time favourite bands as well as great day out in Slane that I got to share with my dad, I also nostalgically remember it for one other thing...
...My toilet friends. :)
At one point, I left my father by one of the many hot dog kiosks so that I could venture into the clearing behind the main grounds where numerous portable toilets had been set up. Now, I think nearly 80,000 people were at that gig altogether so (even though there were many different designated areas and non-designated bushes in which to relieve oneself), the lines for the toilets in that clearing were pretty astronomical.
So I got in line behind someone and began to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
After about ten minutes, the first incident took place.
I had noticed that the line next to mine had ceased moving entirely and the guy at the front was getting severely pissed off about this, muttering and complaining to the people behind him.
"This is ridiculous...ridiculous!"
Eventually, he just got so impatient that he hammered on the door and alerted the inside inhabitant that twenty minutes was "long fucking enough."
Right then, the door burst open and two twenty-something girls ran out, giggling madly and skipping as if they were in a Disney movie.
They continued laughing as they frolicked around in circles for a few minutes before prancing out of the clearing like majestic deer.
At one point, I left my father by one of the many hot dog kiosks so that I could venture into the clearing behind the main grounds where numerous portable toilets had been set up. Now, I think nearly 80,000 people were at that gig altogether so (even though there were many different designated areas and non-designated bushes in which to relieve oneself), the lines for the toilets in that clearing were pretty astronomical.
So I got in line behind someone and began to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
After about ten minutes, the first incident took place.
I had noticed that the line next to mine had ceased moving entirely and the guy at the front was getting severely pissed off about this, muttering and complaining to the people behind him.
"This is ridiculous...ridiculous!"
Eventually, he just got so impatient that he hammered on the door and alerted the inside inhabitant that twenty minutes was "long fucking enough."
Right then, the door burst open and two twenty-something girls ran out, giggling madly and skipping as if they were in a Disney movie.
They continued laughing as they frolicked around in circles for a few minutes before prancing out of the clearing like majestic deer.
Their grace and enthusiasm was highly reminiscent of Snow White and Cinderella...on drugs in Slane Castle.
After they left, a shocked silence literally fell over our entire side of the clearing while one guy down the back of my own line said out loud what we were all thinking...
"Jesus...I mean, just - just...Jesus!"
The cavorting fairy women encouraged the man in front of me to turn around and address me by saying "well, that was weird, wasn't it?"
After they left, a shocked silence literally fell over our entire side of the clearing while one guy down the back of my own line said out loud what we were all thinking...
"Jesus...I mean, just - just...Jesus!"
The cavorting fairy women encouraged the man in front of me to turn around and address me by saying "well, that was weird, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it sure was."
"What do you think they were doing in there?"
"I think I'd prefer not to know dude!"
"You're probably right..."
The woman standing next to him also turned around and smiled at me.
"I'm Sarah by the way," she said. "And this is Joseph."
"Hi, I'm Aimee."
"What do you think they were doing in there?"
"I think I'd prefer not to know dude!"
"You're probably right..."
The woman standing next to him also turned around and smiled at me.
"I'm Sarah by the way," she said. "And this is Joseph."
"Hi, I'm Aimee."
"Nice to meet you."
"Sorry, she's a lot better at introductions than I am!" Joseph apologised, laughing good-naturedly. "So I think I'll always just leave it up to her!"
Just then, the woman in front of Sarah and Joseph turned around, smiling as if she was deeply moved.
"Sorry, couldn't help but overhear!" she said. "You guys are such a cute couple! How long have you been going out?"
"Oh, we're not together!" Sarah said quickly with a small chuckle.
"Yeah," Joseph chimed in casually. "I met her in this line."
It was then that I seriously began worrying how long the queue would genuinely take. As entertaining as it was so far, I had a horrible suspicion that by the time I actually got to utilise a toilet, Sarah and Joseph would be married...
So for a while, Sarah, Joseph and our new buddy Janet (the one who had turned around to ask how long Sarah and Joseph had been dating) chatted casually about Oasis and what our favourite songs were. Then, quite suddenly, a drunk man in his mid-twenties fell against me. He was completely blasted ("blasted" is my favourite term for being drunk off your face) and babbled incoherently. He was a lot bigger and heavier than me so trying to support him was a bit of a challenge. His girlfriend was in the line next to mine and I distinctly remember her looking sympathetically at me. I foolishly assumed that she was going to offer me some help but instead she simply said "sorry, he's just drunk" and turned away from us to talk to her friend.
In that moment I sincerely hoped that if I ever went to a concert with someone I was dating in the future, they would make an effort to look after me if I was drunk and NOT let me fall on and heavily lean against random fifteen-year-olds.
Mostly because that sounds like something the police come to arrest you for...
Anyway, it was then that I met my dear friend Bríd. Dressed in a skin tight black top, massive hoop earrings and with bleached blonde hair, Bríd was a true Dub who was quick to jump to my defence. Seeing that I was in trouble, she leaned smoothly over, lay a gentle acrylic-nailed hand on my shoulder and softly said "here love, let me help ya!"
The fierce Bríd then put her two hands roughly on the drunkard's arm and gave him a massive shove onto the ground, ferociously yelling "GET OFF YA FUCKIN' BASTARD!!!!"The drunk guy sprawled on the ground, decided that he liked it there and went to sleep in the mud. Joseph started laughing, Janet clapped and applauded and I thanked Bríd who smiled and winked at me.Drunk Guy's girlfriend turned to face Bríd with a look of shock and indignation on her face. But Bríd just calmly lit a cigarette, stared straight back at her and said "better help him love, yer fella's sleepin' in the muck!"
The gang of us had a good time in the line together, laughing and joking around. We made friends with Laura from Mayo and Albin from Poland as well and soon I had a whole group of toilet friends! I'll never forget that time of my life...the six of us had a bond more epic than I can describe to you. When one man came out of one of the portable toilets with news that they were fresh out of toilet paper, Bríd just casually opened her handbag and took out several rolls.
"I was going to throw these into the crowd but it looks like we're going to need them more!"
"Sorry, she's a lot better at introductions than I am!" Joseph apologised, laughing good-naturedly. "So I think I'll always just leave it up to her!"
Just then, the woman in front of Sarah and Joseph turned around, smiling as if she was deeply moved.
"Sorry, couldn't help but overhear!" she said. "You guys are such a cute couple! How long have you been going out?"
"Oh, we're not together!" Sarah said quickly with a small chuckle.
"Yeah," Joseph chimed in casually. "I met her in this line."
It was then that I seriously began worrying how long the queue would genuinely take. As entertaining as it was so far, I had a horrible suspicion that by the time I actually got to utilise a toilet, Sarah and Joseph would be married...
So for a while, Sarah, Joseph and our new buddy Janet (the one who had turned around to ask how long Sarah and Joseph had been dating) chatted casually about Oasis and what our favourite songs were. Then, quite suddenly, a drunk man in his mid-twenties fell against me. He was completely blasted ("blasted" is my favourite term for being drunk off your face) and babbled incoherently. He was a lot bigger and heavier than me so trying to support him was a bit of a challenge. His girlfriend was in the line next to mine and I distinctly remember her looking sympathetically at me. I foolishly assumed that she was going to offer me some help but instead she simply said "sorry, he's just drunk" and turned away from us to talk to her friend.
In that moment I sincerely hoped that if I ever went to a concert with someone I was dating in the future, they would make an effort to look after me if I was drunk and NOT let me fall on and heavily lean against random fifteen-year-olds.
Mostly because that sounds like something the police come to arrest you for...
Anyway, it was then that I met my dear friend Bríd. Dressed in a skin tight black top, massive hoop earrings and with bleached blonde hair, Bríd was a true Dub who was quick to jump to my defence. Seeing that I was in trouble, she leaned smoothly over, lay a gentle acrylic-nailed hand on my shoulder and softly said "here love, let me help ya!"
The fierce Bríd then put her two hands roughly on the drunkard's arm and gave him a massive shove onto the ground, ferociously yelling "GET OFF YA FUCKIN' BASTARD!!!!"The drunk guy sprawled on the ground, decided that he liked it there and went to sleep in the mud. Joseph started laughing, Janet clapped and applauded and I thanked Bríd who smiled and winked at me.Drunk Guy's girlfriend turned to face Bríd with a look of shock and indignation on her face. But Bríd just calmly lit a cigarette, stared straight back at her and said "better help him love, yer fella's sleepin' in the muck!"
The gang of us had a good time in the line together, laughing and joking around. We made friends with Laura from Mayo and Albin from Poland as well and soon I had a whole group of toilet friends! I'll never forget that time of my life...the six of us had a bond more epic than I can describe to you. When one man came out of one of the portable toilets with news that they were fresh out of toilet paper, Bríd just casually opened her handbag and took out several rolls.
"I was going to throw these into the crowd but it looks like we're going to need them more!"
We thanked Bríd for her kindness and continued queuing.
The crisis had been averted and our friendships had been strengthened.
After I finally got to use the toilet, the need for toilet friends had become obsolete. I didn't even get to say goodbye because as soon as I came out from the toilet, Janet, Joseph and Sarah were all gone and Bríd only had time to rush past me shouting "let me in, I'm dying for a piss!" So I just ambled out of the clearing and went back to find my father before the show began.
But I'll always look back on that time in my life with fond nostalgia.
No matter what happens in my life, no one and nothing can ever take away from me the legend of my beloved toilet friends.
The crisis had been averted and our friendships had been strengthened.
After I finally got to use the toilet, the need for toilet friends had become obsolete. I didn't even get to say goodbye because as soon as I came out from the toilet, Janet, Joseph and Sarah were all gone and Bríd only had time to rush past me shouting "let me in, I'm dying for a piss!" So I just ambled out of the clearing and went back to find my father before the show began.
But I'll always look back on that time in my life with fond nostalgia.
No matter what happens in my life, no one and nothing can ever take away from me the legend of my beloved toilet friends.
The Creepy Morning Killer
By no stretch of the imagination are my social interactions ever smooth.
But THIS instance really took the cake...
One fine morning, I was walking to the bus stop when a small cat ran across the road and looked up at me, all scared. As I got closer to it, the cat cowered against the wall and looked really afraid so I gently said to it "relax, I'm not going to hurt you kitten." I then rounded the corner where I saw a woman getting ready to leave for work. She obviously thought I had been talking to her because she then proceeded to give me a terrified look before getting into her car and driving away as fast as fucking possible.
I'm sure that woman will soon start putting fliers up around her neighbourhood, alerting everyone of the crimes and motives of the creepy morning killer who will affectionately call you "kitten" before attempting to murder you.
But that's not what I was trying to do.
I was simply trying to be nice to the feline. :(
I am an awkward nerd whose long periods of social clumsiness are occasionally broken up by shorter periods of sheer public embarrassment.
But THIS instance really took the cake...
One fine morning, I was walking to the bus stop when a small cat ran across the road and looked up at me, all scared. As I got closer to it, the cat cowered against the wall and looked really afraid so I gently said to it "relax, I'm not going to hurt you kitten." I then rounded the corner where I saw a woman getting ready to leave for work. She obviously thought I had been talking to her because she then proceeded to give me a terrified look before getting into her car and driving away as fast as fucking possible.
I'm sure that woman will soon start putting fliers up around her neighbourhood, alerting everyone of the crimes and motives of the creepy morning killer who will affectionately call you "kitten" before attempting to murder you.
But that's not what I was trying to do.
I was simply trying to be nice to the feline. :(
Plastic Nostalgia
It was October 2010 and my best friend Angus and I were on our way to see The Dollyrots play in The Academy in Dublin.
We were late for their set and were running even later but were both starving so we ran into Burger King on O'Connell Street to grab something to eat.
We placed our orders, sat down at a table with our food and started devouring it like crazed jackals. But when eating like a demented canine, one must always make sure that what one is consuming is actually food.
Halfway through our speed-eating, Angus suddenly stopped and sat still. He coughed a little bit, thumped his chest and I asked if he was OK. He choked out "yeah" before starting to do that thing cats do when they're trying to cough up a hairball...and that's when he spat out a small piece of clear, see-through plastic.
I looked at it. He looked at it.
"Dude," I said. "SLOW DOWN."
So we both slowed down...just in case either of us accidentally ate or drank anything toxic.
And that's why every time I walk by the Burger King on O'Connell Street, I am filled with a great sense of nostalgia. I always end up turning to the person I'm with and proudly declaring "my friend was so excited about seeing The Dollyrots play live that he ate plastic...right in that very restaurant!"
We were late for their set and were running even later but were both starving so we ran into Burger King on O'Connell Street to grab something to eat.
We placed our orders, sat down at a table with our food and started devouring it like crazed jackals. But when eating like a demented canine, one must always make sure that what one is consuming is actually food.
Halfway through our speed-eating, Angus suddenly stopped and sat still. He coughed a little bit, thumped his chest and I asked if he was OK. He choked out "yeah" before starting to do that thing cats do when they're trying to cough up a hairball...and that's when he spat out a small piece of clear, see-through plastic.
I looked at it. He looked at it.
"Dude," I said. "SLOW DOWN."
So we both slowed down...just in case either of us accidentally ate or drank anything toxic.
And that's why every time I walk by the Burger King on O'Connell Street, I am filled with a great sense of nostalgia. I always end up turning to the person I'm with and proudly declaring "my friend was so excited about seeing The Dollyrots play live that he ate plastic...right in that very restaurant!"
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Why I Am (Unintentionally) A Deadbeat Parent
Everyone has those strange little facts about themselves...
- Some people have never broken a single bone in their body
- Some people are ambidextrous
- Some people have been to all seven continents
- Some people are incredibly fast readers
- Some people have been skydiving or bungee jumping
- Some people are related to someone famous
- Some people have unconventional talents you never would have thought of
- Some people are impossibly good at drawing/painting/sketching
- Some people have six toes
Me? I apparently have an illegitimate daughter I know nothing about who I've abandoned...twice.
It all happened about two years ago at 3:00am.
I was fast asleep and the sound of my phone ringing woke me up.
Since I had to lift myself out of a heavy slumber, my voice was hoarse and I was disorientated so all I did was instinctively pick up my phone and grunt into it.
"Urgh?"
"Hi...Dad?" a nervous female voice asked.
I can't really tell but she sounded like she was in her late teens.
Because I was in a confused state, having just woke up, I simply grunted again.
"Urgh..."
"Can you pick me up now?" she asked anxiously.
"Urgh!"
"Thanks Dad, see you soon!"
She then hung up, I threw my phone down and went straight back to sleepy land.
I woke up six hours later with this exact thought in my head...
Wow, what a good sleep! I really feel refreshed and...oh Christ, I hope that girl is alright!
After checking my phone's call records to make sure that I DID actually have a conversation with someone shortly after 3:00am, I realized that there were two explanations for what had taken place mere hours earlier...
(a) A random girl I have no connection to dialled my number instead of her father's by accident and my voice was too low and hoarse for her to distinguish that I was NOT her dad.
(b) I somehow fathered a daughter the same age as me who I deserted both in her childhood and AGAIN when she fretfully asked me to pick her up from somewhere.
I know (a) is a hell of a lot more likely but with MY life, (b) wouldn't be a surprise...
- Some people have never broken a single bone in their body
- Some people are ambidextrous
- Some people have been to all seven continents
- Some people are incredibly fast readers
- Some people have been skydiving or bungee jumping
- Some people are related to someone famous
- Some people have unconventional talents you never would have thought of
- Some people are impossibly good at drawing/painting/sketching
- Some people have six toes
Me? I apparently have an illegitimate daughter I know nothing about who I've abandoned...twice.
It all happened about two years ago at 3:00am.
I was fast asleep and the sound of my phone ringing woke me up.
Since I had to lift myself out of a heavy slumber, my voice was hoarse and I was disorientated so all I did was instinctively pick up my phone and grunt into it.
"Urgh?"
"Hi...Dad?" a nervous female voice asked.
I can't really tell but she sounded like she was in her late teens.
Because I was in a confused state, having just woke up, I simply grunted again.
"Urgh..."
"Can you pick me up now?" she asked anxiously.
"Urgh!"
"Thanks Dad, see you soon!"
She then hung up, I threw my phone down and went straight back to sleepy land.
I woke up six hours later with this exact thought in my head...
Wow, what a good sleep! I really feel refreshed and...oh Christ, I hope that girl is alright!
After checking my phone's call records to make sure that I DID actually have a conversation with someone shortly after 3:00am, I realized that there were two explanations for what had taken place mere hours earlier...
(a) A random girl I have no connection to dialled my number instead of her father's by accident and my voice was too low and hoarse for her to distinguish that I was NOT her dad.
(b) I somehow fathered a daughter the same age as me who I deserted both in her childhood and AGAIN when she fretfully asked me to pick her up from somewhere.
I know (a) is a hell of a lot more likely but with MY life, (b) wouldn't be a surprise...
Expired Travels
I'll be the first to admit that I am horribly inept
when it comes to public transport. Trains enjoy altering
their schedules when they see me coming, buses LOVE to drive off
without me, routes spontaneously change at the mention of my name and
I even manage to mess up when it comes to taking a taxi (I once spent twenty
minutes showing a taxi driver how to work his speedometer-price thingy, just so
I could exit his car and get on with my life). Since getting into college, I
seem to have mastered SOME bus routes but my subconscious is
still waiting patiently for the time when I will end up stranded in the
middle of nowhere with no logical explanation as to how I got there.
So long story short? Public transport is most definitely not my closest friend.
And here's the story of the biggest fight we ever had...
I was in my last year of school and in the process of checking out different colleges to see where I should apply to for the next year. My heart was pretty much set on UCD but one place that also really captured my interest was the Dun Laoghaire Institute of Art, Design & Technology (IADT) on Kill Avenue in Dun Laoghaire. The open day was taking place on a Saturday and I was eager to go and see what the campus was like. Now, for most people, getting there would be no big deal. Well-serviced by several different buses and only twenty minutes away from the city centre of Dublin if you were to take the train, IADT should have been pretty easy to find. The helpful directions on the college's website also contributed to making it almost impossible NOT to locate. In other words, it would take a pretty exceptional type of nutjob to get lost on the way there...
So long story short? Public transport is most definitely not my closest friend.
And here's the story of the biggest fight we ever had...
I was in my last year of school and in the process of checking out different colleges to see where I should apply to for the next year. My heart was pretty much set on UCD but one place that also really captured my interest was the Dun Laoghaire Institute of Art, Design & Technology (IADT) on Kill Avenue in Dun Laoghaire. The open day was taking place on a Saturday and I was eager to go and see what the campus was like. Now, for most people, getting there would be no big deal. Well-serviced by several different buses and only twenty minutes away from the city centre of Dublin if you were to take the train, IADT should have been pretty easy to find. The helpful directions on the college's website also contributed to making it almost impossible NOT to locate. In other words, it would take a pretty exceptional type of nutjob to get lost on the way there...
Well, that's me alright...
The problems started when a friend and I made plans to go to the IADT open day together. Well...that's what I THOUGHT was happening but we experienced a breakdown in communication somewhere along the way. Turns out that the IADT open day and the NUI Maynooth open day were both on the same Saturday so that's how the confusion took place. The chaos then took place the next morning.
I had explained to my friend that I had a huge incompetence problem when it came to modes of transportation that were not being driven by my parents so he assured me that he'd look after everything to do with us getting there. We met at the train station at some horribly early hour (I think it was around 8:00am) and when he got there, I asked him where I was buying a ticket to.
"Maynooth," he replied.
Due to my geographical stupidity, I saw nothing wrong with purchasing a ticket to the OTHER side of where I needed to go.
"Maynooth?" I remember saying. "That's a weird place to buy a ticket to, isn't it?"
He gave me a strange look (I don't blame him) and then we proceeded to walk into the station and buy our tickets. The ticket barrier thing was broken so we just strolled right onto the platform and onto the train.
Just so you get an idea of how disastrous the decision to buy a ticket to Maynooth was, here is a map of my incompetence...
My friend looked up from his iPod and smiled at me.
"What course do you want to look into in Maynooth?"
A question of doom.
"Maynooth? Don't you mean IADT?"
An answer of idiocy.
"No...I'm going to Maynooth."
"......what?"
"Aimee, why do you think we bought tickets to Maynooth?"
"I have no idea, I was trusting your judgement!!!!"
"Uh, I think you should get off this train..."
"OK but where do I even go?"
"Dunno. Hey, where is Dun Laoghaire anyway?"
"Are you kidding me??? I'm Aimee!!!! I don't know where stuff is!!!!"
I was beginning to feel pretty nervous but we were coming close to Connolly Station (the biggest station in Dublin) and I knew that if I got out there, I'd be able to find someone who could help me. Or at least I THOUGHT so...
"......what?"
"Aimee, why do you think we bought tickets to Maynooth?"
"I have no idea, I was trusting your judgement!!!!"
"Uh, I think you should get off this train..."
"OK but where do I even go?"
"Dunno. Hey, where is Dun Laoghaire anyway?"
"Are you kidding me??? I'm Aimee!!!! I don't know where stuff is!!!!"
I was beginning to feel pretty nervous but we were coming close to Connolly Station (the biggest station in Dublin) and I knew that if I got out there, I'd be able to find someone who could help me. Or at least I THOUGHT so...
I bid my friend goodbye, thanked him for getting me this far and got off the train...where I was met with the very embodiment of confusion.
Connolly Station is a big place. And like most big things (e.g. grizzly bears), they are scary when you don't know anything about them. So while most people would have just sat down for a few minutes to compose their thoughts, I stood frozen to the spot for several long moments, doing nothing but feeling the waves of fear and perplexity that were being projected from the metaphorical Connolly Grizzly Bear. I then tried to read the electronic timetable board but it too just produced waves of mystification.
Connolly Station is a big place. And like most big things (e.g. grizzly bears), they are scary when you don't know anything about them. So while most people would have just sat down for a few minutes to compose their thoughts, I stood frozen to the spot for several long moments, doing nothing but feeling the waves of fear and perplexity that were being projected from the metaphorical Connolly Grizzly Bear. I then tried to read the electronic timetable board but it too just produced waves of mystification.
A man had jammed his bike into one of the barriers while trying to exit the platform and it was now stuck. A Connolly worker was helping him to get it out and I just sidled nonchalantly over, leaned carefully on the barrier and casually asked "sorry chap but what train to I take to get to Dun Laoghaire?" I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I had never used the word "chap" in a sentence before and probably never will again. Why did I do it then? I can honestly say that I don't have a clue. But it wouldn't be the only time my voice would do odd things on that day...
Anyway, the worker (who was preoccupied by the whole bicycle situation) distractedly told me to get on a train to Greystones and so off I went. Bye Connolly Grizzly Bear!
I was feeling pretty proud of myself as the train rumbled down the tracks towards Dun Laoghaire. I had actually managed to combat my own silliness by navigating my way to where I needed to go...all by myself! But then the train pulled into Blackrock and I saw the poster of disastrous calamity. Basically, it said that if you didn't have a valid ticket you'd be subject to serious fines, severe action and probably someone calling your mom. I honestly don't know what I had been planning to do when I got to Dun Laoghaire Station but once I actually DID arrive, a devious plan immediately sprang to mind when I saw a station worker standing on MY side of the barriers with a master card.
I was going to do what nearly everybody has done at one point in their lives when they think they can get away with it.
I was going to cry.
I barely remember what I even said to him but it was something along the lines of being a poor, delicate creature who had purchased the wrong ticket and was very sorry. I think he assumed that I was menstrual and/or a raving lunatic because all he did was give me a look of sheer panic before swiping his master card to let me out.
I had another brief misadventure getting to the actual college via a bus. Having never been in Dun Laoghaire town before, I had no idea where I was going but I remember that a nice girl with a pink mohawk helped me out when I told her that I was pretty sure I had missed my stop (I had...severely). But I EVENTUALLY got to the campus, had a mosey around, went to a few introductory talks, gathered some brochures, talked to a few module coordinators and left again. The bus trip back to the train station was fairly uneventful but while on the bus, I worried about what I was going to do. Obviously, the barrier machines would recognise my ticket as being invalid and I'd be in trouble...even though the purchase of my ticket had been an honest mistake. I decided to leave it all up to fate and so when I got to the station, I just walked straight up to the ticket desk and opened my mouth.
That was when I started speaking in an English accent.
"Excuse me? 'ello there, I was wonderin' if you could help me out."
The man behind the desk looked up and smiled politely at the young "English" woman standing before him.
"Yes? How can I help you?"
Why are you talking in an English accent? my sanity curiously asked me.
"I'm afraid I've gotten myself into a bit of bother."
Did you just say what I think you just said?
"Oh, really? What's happened?" the man inquired sympathetically.
Please go back to an Irish accent now...PLEASE. He might think you're crazy and let you through out of fear...like the last man.
"Well, my family and I are staying in north Dublin and I came here to visit my cousin Julie."
Who the fuck is Julie? And WHY does your imaginary cousin need a name???
"But I've just realized now that I bought a ticket to the wrong place this mornin'...I bought one to Maynooth like a bloody idiot!"
You are going back and forth between a London accent and a Mary Poppins accent...you do realize that, right?
"Alright...well, where are you trying to go now?" the man asked me.
"I'm just tryin' to get back to where me family are."
This is waaaaaay worse than you saying "chap" earlier on...
"OK, well I'll open the barriers for you now," he said, pressing a button behind the desk. "And if you run into an inspector on the trains, just get them to ring Dun Laoghaire train station and we'll tell them we're aware of the situation."
I would just like to stop here and say that it was extremely kind-hearted and nice of this man to do such a thing for me.
Especially since I was obviously a complete weirdo with an accent disorder.
"Thank you so much love!"
And off I trotted through the barriers.
I took that train as far as Connolly, switched to one back to my hometown and arrived there shortly after 1:00pm. The barriers were still broken there as they had been in the morning which means that I didn't swipe my ticket A SINGLE TIME that day.
And so ends the story of how I negotiated my way around Dublin with nothing but an invalid ticket and an English accent.
"But I've just realized now that I bought a ticket to the wrong place this mornin'...I bought one to Maynooth like a bloody idiot!"
You are going back and forth between a London accent and a Mary Poppins accent...you do realize that, right?
"Alright...well, where are you trying to go now?" the man asked me.
"I'm just tryin' to get back to where me family are."
This is waaaaaay worse than you saying "chap" earlier on...
"OK, well I'll open the barriers for you now," he said, pressing a button behind the desk. "And if you run into an inspector on the trains, just get them to ring Dun Laoghaire train station and we'll tell them we're aware of the situation."
I would just like to stop here and say that it was extremely kind-hearted and nice of this man to do such a thing for me.
Especially since I was obviously a complete weirdo with an accent disorder.
"Thank you so much love!"
And off I trotted through the barriers.
I took that train as far as Connolly, switched to one back to my hometown and arrived there shortly after 1:00pm. The barriers were still broken there as they had been in the morning which means that I didn't swipe my ticket A SINGLE TIME that day.
And so ends the story of how I negotiated my way around Dublin with nothing but an invalid ticket and an English accent.
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